“It will happen in time.” “Don’t worry so much about it, it will happen as soon as you
stop trying.” We even had one person tell us “Well,
some people just may not be meant to be parents.” REALLY! Who
says that to someone! (Rude people
is who! OOOPS, did I write that??)
We are a couple of “infertility.” Wow---how terrible for us. How did we ever find the strength to go on? How did we function and get out of bed
every morning knowing we were a barren couple? Might as well sign up for a life of lonely sorrow now.
Luckily we were not that kind of couple. Yes we had some times we were mad and
many more times we were sad. But
we truly did chose to not let this define us. Our story is unconventional, unexpected, and has two
amazingly perfect surprises. Let me tell you our story.
My hubby, B, and I met in high school. He was a year older and he was VERY
different than my other boyfriends.
But it was truly the start of our not-so-perfect, absolutely hard,
wonderful, crazy, at-times-frustrating-but-always-filled-with-love life. We married in 1999 after dating for 5
years. We were just 22 years
old. We definitely weren’t
thinking about having children yet.
Fast forward another 2 years. Some friends started having kids. Boy, that looks like fun we thought. Let’s just see what happens we
said. We only told a few friends
we were throwing caution to the wind.
We didn’t tell our families because we were still so young, everyone
kept saying we had plenty of time and we needed to wait. Pick a reason and we were given it: 1)
to buy our first house, 2) to be older, 3) to have more stable, higher paying
jobs, or 4) any other reason in the world that crossed anyone’s mind ever.
A few more years go by. Nothing has happened yet. Alright—now some people are starting to ask. “Hey, when you two having kids?” “How long have you been married? 5 years? Wow---no kids yet , huh?” We started thinking maybe I should just mention to the
doctor at my next appointment that we are a little concerned it is taking so
long.
At my next appointment my doctor decides to have me try
Clomid. This will surely do it he
says. You are young, you just need
a little help.
Nothing happens. Month after month I take the Clomid, wait,
not pregnant. Back to doctor for
ultrasound, new prescription, do it again. I do this for 5 months. I start wondering what is wrong with us? The doctor decides to do some more
testing. We hear the news. To have a child we will most likely
have to do in-vitro fertilization.
We are referred to the nearest Fertility Clinic—2 ½ hours away. We go, we pay the $500.00 consult fee
(which to us then was a FORTUNE) and we spend 3 hours being tested. I get my cervix biopsied on the exam
table while thinking I was just getting a quick exam. “This will just sting a little” they said---WHAT EVER! It hurt! Poor B is put in some room with poor lighting and some
“magazines” and told to do his thing like that is the most natural place and
thing in the world. We are told
again that In-Vitro is our only chance.
We cringe at the dollar amounts it will take and drive home trying to
think how we will ever save that much money to then spend on a “chance” to get
pregnant. We start talking about
adoption. But how could we do
that? Won’t the child one day want
their “real parents” and leave us?
Would we love the child the same as if we had one of our “own?”
I get a promotion and we move over an hour away from
home. We settle in our new house
and new city. Then good news! At open season for insurance enrollment
and changes at my work I find insurance that COVERS INFERTILITY----EVEN
IVF!!!!!!!! Are you kidding
me? This is the answer to our
prayers. Now it is just a matter
of time til we have a baby.
Simple, right?
We meet with one of a very few doctors covered under our
plan. He is 4 hours away. But we
are lucky because he partners with a local gynecologist in our town so we can
do almost everything in town except for the egg retrieval and the transfers. How did we get so lucky! We paid a fairly small deposit to cover
any out of pocket expenses and got to work! I went to appointments and ordered the shots to start our
first round of IVF. I
started the injections, at one point 4 per day. My stomach bruised.
My insides felt like they were jiggling around every time I walked,
moved, etc. I cried at
nothing. My feelings were hurt if
B even left a sock on the floor as somehow I thought it was a personal attack on
me. It was hard. But it was temporary and would be over
soon and I would be pregnant as I was sure I would be pregnant the first time
around---this is the help we needed and our doctor’s success rate on live
births was great.
11 eggs were retrieved. 6 fertilized. 4
became blastocysts. 2 were
transferred and the other 2 frozen for storage and for our next baby of
course.
We waited.
People asked what we would do if we had twins. My response was always “Well, we will feed them and love
them. We do not know what 1 is
like let alone 2 so we will not know any different.”
Negative. The
test was negative. WHAT? What do you mean? I cried. I left work and went home to lay on my bed and cried.
As time passed we decided to wait to transfer the other 2
embryos as we were going to be moving back to our hometown. Once settled we went to our local
doctor who agreed to work with the fertility doctor for the 2nd
transfer so that we would not have to drive the now 5 hour drive except for the
consult and the transfer. This
worked out great. We were so
happy. This is definitely it! We are back home around our family, we
found a house and have gotten settled, we are both happy at our jobs.
This is definitely it. And our hometown doctor was so great and
we felt very positive to do the 2nd transfer.
We went up the night before the transfer and settled into
the hotel we had booked for 3 nights.
I know, I know they say you can go back to normal pretty much the day
after the transfer but heck no! I
wasn’t chancing anything by driving 5 hours back home the day after. I was gonna lay my behind on that bed
in the hotel room with no distractions or responsibilities and let these little
babies get nice and comfy!
The morning of the transfer we were up early and left
early. We drove around before
heading to the clinic. We parked
and went in and headed up to have these babies transferred! We met with the nurse, we saw the
pictures of our “babies” on the computer screen, I got undressed and put on the
gown and laid on the table. The
doctor came in and explained that this time he was going to thread the catheter
that held the embryos into a “tubing” to hold it more steady while he inserted
it past my cervix because last time there was a little trouble getting it past
my cervix and he wanted to decrease the small amount of “trauma” that had caused. I held B’s hand and we felt even more
positive as surely this was definitely going to ensure it worked this
time. That was obviously the
problem with the last transfer.
The little door in the wall between the exam room and the
lab opened and I saw the catheter being passed through. The lights in the room were off except
for the bright light down at the end of the table where the doctor was. I relaxed and exhaled. I was ready.
“Clang!!” I
heard a clattering noise. I looked
up. I saw my nurses face go
white. I heard mumbling. I held B’s hand. I heard someone say “How long till more
will be ready?” I then heard “That
was all she had.” Huh? Are they out of the tubing the catheter
was to be put into? That must be
it. Oh well, I am sure they will
figure something out.
Some additional lights came on. “I’m so sorry.
I am not sure what to say but when I was threading the catheter into the
tubing it fell. With the
catheter. I’m so sorry, the
embryos are gone.”
What in the world?
Are you kidding me? That is
what was going through my mind. I
heard B mumble nervously that everything was ok. I remember smiling at first nervously. Then I started to cry.
The doctor patted my knee and said
“Stay the night tonight. You two
go to dinner. Send me the
bills. We will discuss later how
to go forward.” He left the
room. I started to get up. I was still sobbing. The nurse had me lay back down. She said take your time. Do you need something to help you sleep
tonight? I shook my head no. She said “I am so sorry. This happens sometimes but not
often. I am so sorry and take your
time getting dressed.” She left
the room. I tried to get up. B had
me sit back down.
I sobbed for
several more minutes before getting up and getting dressed. I will never forget walking out of that
room and the nurses and staff trying not to stare as I walked out and my nurses
both coming up and hugging me and saying they would talk to me soon. My doctor did not come out.
We got into the car in silence. We looked at each other and half-laughed and half-cried “Did
this just happen?” B asked if I
wanted to go home or stay the night. I said stay the night. We drove back to the hotel and I
started texting our friends and family.
We drove into the parking garage at the hotel.
BAMMM! A huge
jolt. B just ran our truck into a
concrete pillar in the parking garage.
I start to laugh as tears also run down my face. He gets out and goes to the edge of
parking garage and screams a four letter word that may or may not rhyme with
truck. He gets back into the
truck, which is very smashed but still drive able. He says we are going home. I
said Ok.
The next few days and weeks are somewhat a blur. We were devastated. What would we do? The nurses called to check on me. I didn’t answer the phone. (The doctor called me several weeks
later, I never called him back.)
We decided no more treatments. No more talking about treatments
for a while. We were taking a
break.
Little did we know after all of this that there was a wonderful
turn coming in our lives.
When we met our daughter, now 5 years old, she was only 16
months old. We met her the day
after my husband’s birthday on June 26, 2010. I always thought if we adopted that we had to adopt a
newborn. But when we saw her we
just knew she was ours. I had
tears in my eyes. It was her. We both felt it from the first time we
met her.
Our child, T, was a foster placement with her
grandparents. We thought for sure
that we would just be able to sweep in and adopt her. Not so much.
After about 1 billion discussions and late night texting we came to the
conclusion we could not simply adopt her but that her grandparents would and we
would just be a positive influence in her life. We would be God parents to her and take her if anything ever
happened to the grandparents. We
were sad at first but knew we would have a fantastic relationship with her
regardless and were thankful for that.
We celebrated the adoption by the grandparents. We threw a celebration party for
them. We were thrilled. We did not know that 6 short months
later things would significantly change.
A few months before T’s 3rd birthday her
grandfather started suffering some serious health issues. After many more discussions the
decision was made that we would have T live with us. We all agreed that we would get guardianship of her until
his health improved. They would still see her several times a week and even
have her overnight weekly.
Then the diagnosis came. ALS. A horrible
disease. Again we had many
discussions and all agreed that this little girl should stay with us. Then cancer was found. We started talking about the fact that
she was only 3 and maybe it would be best to have her be with us
permanently. Have a mom and
dad. Make it all official before
she was older and things may get harder.
We all decided at that time we would adopt her.
On 10/3/2012 we adopted our 3 ½ year old beautiful
girl. We were all over the
moon. And little did we know there
was another huge blessing in store for us.
We had started some more treatments prior to the
finalization of T’s adoption. We
still wanted to have another child and for T to have a sibling. She was 3 and the timing seemed
great. We tried IUI several times
with some new techniques with no success.
After another test it was discovered I had some significant blockage and
surgery would be required and IVF needed to be reconsidered. I said I would consider it. With my doctor and the mid-wife at the
office in the room with me I looked at them both, they are both also personal
friends of ours and our family, I said to them “I will consider IVF again if
you make me a promise. If there is
anyone who comes to you and wants to adopt out a baby, please keep us in
mind.” They both knew we had
recently adopted T and that our homestudy was still current and we were
basically “ready to go” if the opportunity presented itself. This was November 2012.
On February 6, 2013 my doctor called my cell phone. “We have a baby. I need to know now if you are still interested. We have to have an answer for the
person tonight. I don’t know all
the details yet except the baby is due March 3.” (THREE WEEKS! A
Newborn baby!!!) While on the
phone I ran to tell my husband. I
whispered to him while at the same time telling my doctor “YES!”
The next three weeks went by in a blur. The biggest two things I remember were
extreme feelings of excitement and joy but also extreme feelings of anxiety and
fear. Would the mother go through
with it? Could we come up with the
expenses to cover this so quickly?
Could all the paperwork be done this fast? We had nothing for a baby as T was older when she came to
live with us. We started asking all of our friends if they had things we could
borrow so that we didn’t buy anything until after the baby came in case things
fell through. On Friday March 1st we received the call that the
birth mother was being induced that Sunday March 3rd. We were to be at the hospital at 5am
and would have a room as well.
This was a closed adoption and we were not meeting the birth
family.
And then it was Sunday at 5:00am.
Besides backing into my mother-in-laws car in the parking
lot as we left for the hospital (I did this! Even with back up cameras and sensors. But sheesh I was getting ready to have
a baby!) everything worked exactly
as we could have imagined. We
waited anxiously for the baby to be born.
We observed visitors going in and out of the birth mother’s room. The day ticked away as we tried to pass
time by registering for things online for the baby and keeping our family in
the waiting room updated.
At
3:00pm my doctor came into the room and said “It’s time. Are you ready?” She told us they were ready for the
birth mother to start pushing and the baby would be there any minute.
Our son (P) was born at 3:40pm. He was 8.3 lbs and 21 inches long. He had a head full of strawberry blonde hair. And he was amazing!!!!!! He was bathed in our room. We stared at him amazed. Then B went out to the waiting room to
bring back our son’s first visitor.
His sister. With her Big
Sister shirt on she charged through the door with her Daddy and bee-lined for
her new baby brother. Our family
was now complete. We felt the
completeness.
I always tell people that our children are the same children
we would have had regardless of who actually gave birth to them. We truly feel that. The infertility, the heart ache, the
doubts and frustrations and every feeling we experienced led us to our
children, just not in the way we, as young newlyweds, had originally
envisioned. The path we took was
long and at times the legal paperwork and hoops to go through were
overwhelming, expensive, and frustrating.
Our original thoughts of if we could love an adopted child
as much as one of “our own?” Well,
hmmmmm. I’m really not sure how to
answer that anymore. We have two
children of our own. Yes, they
were adopted, but they are our “own” children.
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