Friday, October 31, 2014

Our Story: STUCK


Our adoption journey started in my heart as a little girl. I always knew that I wanted to have a few kids of my own and then adopt some kids. I grew up, got married and had my first two children. The thought of adoption really hadnt entered my mind again until one day when my second child was just a few months old and I was watching a program about a family that adopted their son from Guatemala. It lit a fire inside of me that never went out. I KNEW that was Gods plan for our family and jumped right in to looking up information and learning every single thing that I could about adoption. You can imagine my shock when I told my husband that we should adopt and his response was far less zealous than mine! I remember begging God to take this desire from my heart if it wasnt of Him and if my husband was never going to jump on board. I tried everything from filling out applications to agencies and just highlighting where he needed to sign to taping pictures of orphans to his bathroom mirror with scriptures attached. I finally just stopped and told the Lord that if this was what He wanted for our family, He was going to have to convince the husband because I was getting nowhere! And the next thing you know, we were on the same page. FINALLY!

Initially we thought we would adopt from Korea. We had 3 children and just knew a 4th child from there would complete our family. We filled out the paperwork, turned it in, and received the shock of our lives!

We were pregnant.

With twins.

This obviously put our adoption plans on hold.

Sadly, our twin daughters passed away at 17 weeks in utero and then 23 weeks in utero. They were perfectly healthy baby girls but their umbilical cords had gotten tangled into knots. We were devastated and rocked to our core, but we survived. Some days just barely. A year after the girls we found ourselves delivering a healthy baby boy and his sister followed less than two years later. I never in my life thought we would be the mega family that drove a 12 passenger van! I loved having all the kids but in my heart I still felt like someone was missing. 

In 2011, I was 5 months pregnant with our fifth child and we had been matched with a birthmom. Her baby was due just 3 months after our baby, and in essence it was going to be like having twins. We spoke with J on the phone once a week and everything seemed to be going great, but one day I got a call from her and something wasnt right. The birth father was back in the picture and they had been evicted from the place they were staying because he had gotten in a fight. She assured me that she would call as soon as they got where they were going but I never got the call. In fact, we never heard from her again. The attorneys we were working with thought she might call when she went in labor but she never did.

We hadnt said a lot to our family and friends about this because honestly we were just confused. We knew God had called us to this but it felt like we kept hitting a brick wall! Frustrated doesnt even begin to describe how we were feeling.

One day, out of the blue, I got a call from a friend of mine who was a pastors wife. She was asking me about the adoption and I just opened up and told her everything. She started telling me about a missionary family in the church that was moving to Haiti to start a school, and they had connections with an orphanage there.

I was intrigued. I met with the missionary for coffee and she told me all about it. It seemed perfect. It seemed right. My husband wanted to proceed very cautiously because of what we had just been through. We called the agency, spoke with families that were using them, and really had a good feeling about it. In April 2012 we were on a plane to Haiti to meet our child!

God had other plans on this trip because He not only gave us a daughter, but a son. Through countless confirmations we knew we were on the right path. We were told the process would be about 8-12 months. We needed what was called a presidential dispensation because we met all of the requirements except that we had biological children. The President of Haiti would sign off and give you permission to proceed. We were over the moon excited. We were told things were progressing nicely. We received our IBESR numbers which proved we were in process and in November were told we were on the president,s desk, awaiting signature.

Little did we know that 18 months later we would still be sitting in the same spot.. STUCK.

We became good friends with the director and made several trips to Haiti to visit the kids and bring supplies. We loved her. Supported her. Believed everything she said. But in August 2013 all of that changed. Families that were adopting were making some pretty strong accusations, and red flags were going up all over the place. At first we refused to listen. The director told us they were disgruntled families whose adoptions she had canceled.

But in October, we made the decision to have the children removed from the orphanage they were in. The director was not being helpful with this, and many children had already been removed. The children in their care were not being fed properly and things were getting really bad. We did not feel confident that they could finish our adoption.

We hired a private investigator, who miraculously found our childrens birth parents in two days. They removed the children from the orphanage and kept them until we could make arrangements for them to go somewhere else. God opened some amazing doors, and 10 days later they were being taken to their new temporary home. Many of the children that were in that first place were never supposed to be adopted out. Their birth parents took them there thinking it was a boarding school and that they could come and get their children at any time. Thankfully for us, our children's parents had always wanted them to be adopted.

When the new agency got our file, many documents had to be redone due to fraudulent papers being turned in by the former agency. We weren't even sure that Haiti was going to let us adopt these kids.

In February 2014 we got the news that we could move forward but for some reason our case sat and sat and sat with no movement on our file at all. We turned in every single paper that was requested, had our children's biological parents come to sign papers 3 different times and still we sat. No one really understands why our file, along with the files of the other families adopting, have not moved. Different answers are given all the time. So here we are over 2 and a half years in this process with children that are now 6 and 3 years old. When we skype with them they ask us when we are coming and we have no answers to give them. We do feel certain that they will come home, and just recently have gotten news that things are moving for us. But its maddening. We love them so much. They are our children and yet there is absolutely nothing we can do. We trust that Gods timing is perfect and that they will be home at the absolute best time for our family and for them. There are many children, not only in Haiti but all over the world, that are STUCK. They have families waiting to bring them home but because of some sort of red tape, it holds things up.

So please when you think about it, say a little prayer for all of us stuck families and our children who are stuck as well. We just simply want our families to be together and not separated by government bureaucracy.

To read more about our family you can visit www.wardfamilycircus.blogspot.com

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

A Minute With Nikki - Don't Take It Personally



All my life, I’ve been blessed by having good groups of friends that came to me through various methods.  They change through the years, some closer than others for a season or two.  There have been times when making these friendships was easier than others and there have been times when I had more time to devote to them.  And then I became a mom and learned about a kind of friend I didn’t even know existed.  (Seasoned moms will know this kind of friend.)  This is the friend that came into your life through your children.

Thankfully there was a sweet group of girls who befriended Yiyi upon her arrival at school after we came home.  In this group there was one little girl (we’ll call her Maci) who was particularly sweet.  She was kind to our child and made a point to introduce herself to Brian and I.  We were instant fans.  So the first opportunity I had to meet Maci’s mom and tell her how awesome her daughter was, I took it.  Of course, anytime a stranger starts gushing about how amazing your child is – that is a conversation starter.  One thing led to another, she taught me a better way to deal with the afternoon pick up, and phone numbers were exchanged. 

Here were are 8 months later and I get to spend about 7 minutes a day with my friend, Maci’s mom.  We park a couple of blocks away and walk over to the school together.  We share updates, talk about field trips, husband’s, children, and weekend plans.  It is glorious.  I don’t have any other friendship where I get to talk uninterrupted to the same girlfriend for 7 minutes every day.

Maci’s mom and I don’t have a ton in common, but the one thing we both share is that we’re both adoptive moms.  Maci’s mom married a young widower who was left with his two young daughters and became an adoptive mom by default when she said yes.  She didn’t get classes and home studies and psych evals and dossiers and a monthly call with a caseworker asking if she was doing ok and more classes and sleepless nights crying as she waited for her babies.  No, quite the contrary.  Her wedding night was spent in a nearby hotel and the next day she walked into her new home with two children, formally adopted some weeks later, and not knowing what was to come.

Two years later: Sometimes Maci’s mom has issues with these two daughters that she just can’t understand.  Feeling like she should certainly know how to deal with things wondering why her natural instincts don’t work with these girls keeps her up at night.  She deals with all the typical kid stuff, along with some behaviors stemming from her children losing their mom they were young (aka. abandonment, grief, loss, tragedy, questions as to “why”, no control, and childhood trauma issues) and they don’t know how to deal with them.  Moreover, they don’t even know what it is that they are even feeling or dealing with.   Because they are children.  So what happens?  Negative behaviors.  Power struggles.  Lack of respect for their mom.  Sleeping issues.  Eating issues.  Difficulties with transitions.  Sadness.  The constant battle for control.  All stuff that most of us deal with every day, but we chose it.  We sought it out.  We spent $35,000 to make it happen.  We got all the help, preparation, and support possible.  Maci’s mom got the love of her life and also a ready-made family. 

Fast forward to the other day.  I was telling her something Yiyi said to me and she said, “ugh, that must have been awful to hear from your daughter.  Were you fuming mad?”  And I responded “Not really. I don’t get to get my feelings hurt.  I don’t get the luxury of getting mad.  I don’t get to take it personally.”  She said “huh, what?” with much interest and intrigue.  So I explained to her about how all the bad stuff happened to Yiyi and how she went through crazy amounts of trauma and loss and all her behaviors were just obvious results from her past.  I was prepared, I expected it all, and I have so many tools for how to deal with things when they come up that I don’t take it personally.  I don’t get mad.  Even when I know Yiyi is trying to get my goat, I just don’t go to that place.  I’m a heck of a lot more effective helping Yiyi cope with her grief if I’m not mad at her at the same time.  

And so Maci’s mom paused and she looked up to the heavens and said, “you’re right. Of course.  How did I not realize that before? That’s genius!”  I said it wasn’t really genius and I couldn’t really take credit for this theory, but that I was glad it resonated with her.  She started talking about all the bad behaviors her girls have and about how bad they make her feel sometimes.  She talked about when they get ugly with their words, how they can say just the right things to make her feel awful…and they know it!  But how much better would her experience have been this whole time if someone would have told her that earlier?

She brought this subject up again a few days ago.  She said looking at things through that lens over the past couple of week has helped her parent her children in a different way.  More love, more understanding, and a happier attitude for her.  She said it’s too bad she didn’t get a home study for her adoption.  She didn’t have anyone suggesting classes.  She didn’t know to even look such places for such things.  So she just dug in and did what she could.  But now, 2 years into their marriage, she realizes she could have done some things differently.  She knows now that she should have parented the children differently than she would have her biological children.  She knows now that she’s spent the better part of two years struggling to bond with children who have had trauma filled rages, all of which she, very understandably, took personally when the kids made it turn personal to her. 

This story has been going around and around in my head since I had this conversation with her.  I’ll pat myself a little bit on the back for helping her, but truly I’m so glad we were able to talk through it.  The lesson here is, no matter what kind of adoption, no matter if the kids get to keep one parent, no matter if it seems like everything is ok, all children who are adopted have to go through The Big Loss and that will shape who they are and how they behave.  And if we, the adoptive parents, can be ready to catch them when they fall, shower them with love and understanding, and ourselves be ready to be more selfless than we’ve ever been before, we can help our children work through their pain to find peace.  

      
Nikki has been working as an adoption social worker for the past 10 years.  The consummate single gal was married in 2012 and started an adoption process to adopt a 10-year-old with special needs from China soon after.  Nikki loves writing home studies in the Western Missouri area and preparing families for the realities of adoption. - See more at: http://joyinthejourneyadoption.blogspot.com/2014/08/after-placement-issues-eating.html#sthash.2aVLiQN9.dpuf

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Joy in the Journey Retreat Registration

Can you believe it?!  The Joy in the Journey Retreat Registration is happening THIS WEEK!  It seems like yesterday that we were walking away from the first retreat in a glassy-eyed stupor that resulted either from emotions or sheer,exhilarating exhaustion or complete awe at what God had orchestrated that weekend.

It didn't take our team too many days before we began to ask questions...When will we do next year's retreat?  What will that look like?  What will we keep the same?  What will we add or change?

Over the next several months, we prayed and met and chatted and tuned in and planned and connected and e-mailed and texted and messaged and ULTIMATELY came up with what we hope will be the absolute best weekend that we could put together for you as adoptive mamas...


This year's retreat will be centered around the principle of being "Intentional" and will focus on Hebrews 12: 1-2: let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Our team prays that this retreat will refresh, renew, and revive you as well as equip you to go back to your most precious ministry...your family.

Registration will be THIS FRIDAY, October 24th, and will begin at 6:00 p.m. Central Standard Time.  At that time, there will be a blog post right here that will contain a PayPal button with a direct link for you to purchase your ticket.  Set your alarm!  You won't want to miss your opportunity to get your ticket!

Your Joy in the Journey Retreat Ticket is your fast pass to all things at the retreat.  This year's retreat will feature phenomenal main session and breakout session speakers, an invaluable adult adoptee panel, a genuine worship experience, two mom's support groups, five meals, the BEST vendor shopping (with all sales benefiting adoption in some form), all the coffee you've ever dreamed of, recreation and relaxation times, and friendships that cross all borders.

The retreat will start at 3:30 p.m. on Friday, March 27th, 2015 for check-in and vendor shopping and will conclude at 2:00 p.m. on Sunday, March 29th, 2015.

For registration we will simply need you to purchase a ticket.  We'll send you information (including the retreat schedule) and ask for additional information after the first of the year.  Some of the information we will need from you will include your break-out session preferences, roommate preferences (if you don't know anyone, we'll find awesome roommates for you!), and a picture of your family for our family slideshow (optional).

Thank you so much for allowing us to minister to you in this way.  We are forever grateful to God for this ministry and to you for joining with us in this mission.

See you in March!





Monday, October 20, 2014

2014 Retreat Recap



Last year’s Joy in the Journey Retreat proved to be life changing for me.  And I don’t say life changing flippantly.  It was wonderful to get away and spend time with some wonderful adoptive mommas, many of which I’ve grown close with over the past few years.  But what was most impressive to me was what surfaced in my heart during my time at the retreat.  There were some amazing breakout sessions where I learned a ton.  But the most memorable and heart changing part for me was hearing Sharon Lyon speak at the closing session.  This is where I fell apart….

Sharon shared her heart breaking background, her road to bringing home her two beautiful daughters, and her struggle thru post-placement depression.  As I listened to her struggle, particularly after bringing her first child home, I saw so much of who I was in her story.  I saw my same struggle.  And I realized I carried some big wounds into our adoption story, especially with our second child.  It was like a light bulb for me.   Let me back up a bit.

I have a lot of sin in my life, some big, some small.  I imagine most of us all have our vices.  Mine has been depression and anger.  Both have wrecked havoc in my friendships, my marriage, and yes, in my children.  It is only by God’s grace we have made it through!  While my upbringing was not near as challenging as Sharon’s, we did have one big thing in common.  Both of us suffered some abuse in childhood (pardon me for not sharing more specifically on that subject).  It wasn’t until she shared her story that I realized that my secret, literally shared with no one at this point, was the root of all this depression and particularly anger.  About a year after my husband and I were married I spent a year in counseling and started medications.  I improved significantly--I was even able to come off my medication a couple years later. However, I never shared this particular secret with even my counselor.  I always knew something still needed healing though because my anger was still often out of control.   And then, my depression chased me down again after the adoption of our son.

When my son came home, the transition was extremely difficult.  He screamed for hours, often didn’t sleep, never smiled, and pushed all my buttons.  I often thought and asked myself what we had done.  We were happy before he came home.  I was at my limit.  I found myself crumpled on my bathroom floor sobbing uncontrollably.  I had to call my husband home from work.  This happened on more than one occasion.  Then I realized I had to get help.  I knew that this was post-placement depression.  I was in the thick of it for sure.  I just didn’t understand why.  I had done so well for so long.  So I called and made an appointment, got back on medication, reached out to some close trusted friends, and started slowly improving.  Just a little over a month and half later was the retreat.

Sharon spoke volumes to my soul.  Through her story I had a kindred spirit, I wasn’t alone.  More importantly she spoke to the how/why of how she got where she was.  I had never made the connection.  It seems like it should have been so obvious to me, but it wasn’t.  I briefly spoke with Sharon at the end of her time, and thanked her for being so open and honest. 
Then I got in my car to go home, and completely broke down.  I cried all the way home.  I knew I had to get vulnerable and tell my secret.  And I was scared to death.  I didn’t want to do it.  But I prayed, I asked for strength.  I felt God nudging me.  He said  “you need to tell this story to someone right now”.  I knew if I didn’t listen, I wouldn’t do it.  So I called my best friend, someone who knew me before my husband, and someone removed from the situation.  My husband would be harder to tell because of how it would directly impact him. So this was a good practice run.  I could hardly get the words out through tears, but I made it.  It took me two hours on the drive home, but I got it out.   Instantly it felt like a big, heavy weight was gone—literally, physically a heavy weight.

Next was my husband.  When I got home, it was late.  But I knew if I didn’t share then, I wouldn’t.  He asked how the retreat went.  I told him it was truly life changing.  I prepped him a little, and then I repeated my secret.  I couldn’t even look at him.  It was easier this time.  I asked forgiveness for all the ways this had hurt our marriage and him.  He was so gracious, loving, and forgiving.  He understood now, things made sense to him finally.  I was so afraid he would be mad, that he wouldn’t be able to handle it, so afraid of how it would affect us and our family.  It was exactly the opposite.  He just wanted to love me and support me.  We cried together and prayed together.  Afterwards, he told me that yes, in fact, this retreat WAS life changing! 

That was just the beginning of the journey though.  I have a long road ahead of me with healing those wounds, learning new behaviors to replace my destructive ones, and getting healthy so that I can better love my kids!  Sharon reached out to me even after the retreat to check on me and make some book suggestions.  I’m so grateful for her willingness to be open, vulnerable, and real at the retreat!  God moved in big ways for me and I’m so thankful for the team with Joy in the Journey for being faithful and hearing God’s call.  You truly have changed my life and the lives of my kids!  May the Lord bless you and keep you!

[Just as a side note, our son is doing tremendous now!  He is happy and bonded well to us.  He is no longer screaming through the night.  I love him dearly and can confidently say that I’m so thankful God blessed us with Him!]
                                                -A.E.



Friday, October 17, 2014

Resource Review: The Pumpkin Patch Parable



Fall.....the smell of leaves, decorating the home in Fall decor, visiting the pumpkin patch, and pulling out Autumn books to read to the children. These are all familiar acts in our home, especially when it involves books.  A favorite fall book that's read often is The Pumpkin Patch Parable , written by Liz Curtis Higgs. 

Let me just start by saying that the author did NOT write this book to celebrate Halloween. There are not any ghost, goblins, witches, or scary costumes illustrated or spoken of in this book.  Instead, children are offered a charming story of how a loving farmer can turn a simple pumpkin into something beautiful. 
Every page is delightfully illustrated, and has a scripture verse that goes along with each story line.  
This parable shows us how God's transforming love can create a clean heart in each of us - filling our hearts with joy and light. 

I recommend this book as another way to share God's truth; not to replace what you already do, but rather as an alternative message. The Pumpkin Patch Parable is a great way to share the Good News and the light of God's love with your children each harvest season.

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Tuesday, October 14, 2014

2014 Retreat Recap




In February of 2014, we got news (through a random adoption facebook group) that the current directors of our agency as well as two past employees were arrested on charges of adoption fraud.

Our world began spinning. Quickly.

An ethical adoption was something we were always concerned of. I had nightmares about it-we asked all the questions we could think of, contacted others in the adoption world to think of harder questions to ask, researched like crazy. All of it. But there I was, living something far worse than anything I could have dreamed.

We spent a lot of time in tears and in a strange emotional fog. We had no idea what was happening, no idea where the boy we saw on our referral pictures was, no idea if he was going to become our son-actually quite sure he wasn’t going to.

Just weeks after that news and the swirling days that followed was an adoption retreat I truly felt led to be at. I had been excited about it for months. But to be brutally honest, that awful news just changed me. All of a sudden, I didn't want to go. I was terrified. "I'm scared I'm going to just be that sad person crying in the corner all weekend" I told people.

But I just felt like I was supposed to go. It's unlike me to sign up for a retreat where I know no one, 3 hours away, for over 24 hours. I'm an introvert that really prefers to be home with her babies. I like the occasional mom time away, but overall, I really like just being with the kids and the husband. Being away typically isn't incredibly relaxing for me.
But I made sure I was signed up as soon as sign ups opened in the winter.

I had been excited about it for months. I was going. The day I was supposed to leave, I was shaking. I was in tears telling my husband "I don't want to go". He told me I needed to and sent me on my way.

The next three hours were amazing. Just driving. In the quiet and with worship music. No one to explain anything to. No one to talk to. I really started to be able to process all that had happened in a way I hadn't been able to before with constant needs of small children in front of me.

I got there in what I thought was right on time. Because oh goodness, I didn't want to be early. I didn't want to have to talk to people. I knew I was at a very emotionally fragile state. Turns out, I was there with over an hour to spare. I tried mingling. I walked around the vendor area and bought a few necklaces for my sister and mother in law from The Adopt Shoppe. I teared up by the 1500 trees table-because I had a tree I wanted to buy for 'the boys' room but now didn't know that there was going to be a boys’ room.

After a few people introducing themselves, and asked "where are you in the adoption process?" I took my Bible into the woods and hid. ‘Just get me to the main stuff’ I kept thinking. I can hide it there.

Then it started. Finally. We started with lots of goofy ice-breakers and then there was an ice breaker that got a little deeper. Sit at a table with 8 strangers and tell them where you are in your adoption process, your biggest fear, and something else I can't remember. Oh and go in alphabetical order. (My first and last name starts with A. Lucky me!) So, I got to go first.

It came out.  I didn't know where I was in the adoption process because my biggest fear of working with unethical people and a possible unethical adoption has come true. I just kept breathing, trying not to cry, and trying hard to listen to everyone else.

Finally the main session started. I was sure it would get easier.
Nope.
They showed this sweet slide show of all the families represented and this adorable picture of Addilyn and Josiah holding Gideon's picture came up and you hear "aww".

And my tears can not be contained any longer. They just can't be stopped. I left to hide in the bathroom. Because I was NOT going to be a sad person crying in the corner. Was NOT.

Then Jen, one of the Joy in the Journey gals, came out to talk with me. She knew I had been considering not coming. She knew what was going on. And she let me vent. She let me tell her all the stuff going through my head and that I was walking away. I couldn't do it. I didn't know that I could trust anyone in Ethiopia anymore and didn't know if I could try. But I loved that baby. I wanted to know he was safe. And she was kind and loving and encouraging through all the word vomit coming out of my mouth that made absolutely no sense, I'm sure.

Then we had the first session. I skipped whatever I had signed up for because it sounded serious and I couldn't handle it. I didn't want to talk about adoptive kids coming home right now. So I stayed right where I was. I listened to this woman talking about staying connected to your spouse in the crazy. And I laughed and smiled and truly enjoyed every second. I learned about just staying connected to Derrick-how little tiny things were important. How it was ok to be in crazy-mode sometimes. And how making it fun or laughing about the crazy was equally important. After that session, this woman came up to me (at the time, I didn't even know her name). I recognized her as someone who I 'met' during one of the ice breakers but didn't remember anything else about her. She handed me a necklace and said "I almost didn't buy this but I did and I think it's yours."



I felt like that was just God shining. Ready to give me a hug. Just there. No need to be afraid. I talked with a few more people that night, some knew bits of my story, some did after we talked. And I learned some of their stories.

I loved hearing the adoptive moms panel and things they struggled with or needed to do. These women loved each other and each others stories. They loved just being and learning and loving their families.

The next day, I was handed a paper from a friend I talked to the night before who knew what this middle ground and losing a referral felt like.  She gave me scripture and told me she was praying. My roommates prayed for me out loud, together. Just because.

I talked to another mom who had gone through our agency and could be sarcastic and snarky with me. Cause I needed that time to be angry too. A group of Ethiopian adoptive Moms took a picture together (I couldn't believe they let me be a part-I was SURE I wasn't going to be a part of that group) then prayed together, for me, for our family, and for our boy. That is a moment I will never ever forget.

I left knowing adoption was in our story, even if I wasn't sure how anymore. When I came home and my husband asked about the sessions, I talked about the correcting while connecting class and a few other things about attachment and connecting to your children and he said "Oh, so these were like your people. They talk and think like you?" Yep. Exactly. That retreat was filled with my people. And I was so very blessed to get to be a part.

So, if you’re adoption story doesn’t look pretty right now and it’s making you second guess if you should sign up for this retreat:
STOP WONDERING.
Just sign up. I promise God will use every moment to encourage you. Even the hard ones and the times you hide in the woods. 

Friday, October 10, 2014

When God Doesn't Give You What You Want


Infertility sucks.
I could end this blog post there. But for the sake of the “deeper” message, I will keep going.

A couple years ago, my husband and I entered into the world of trying to start our family. But, it wasn’t the way I ever planned and it wasn’t anywhere near what I wanted for “my” timeline of how our life together was going to go. To make matters even tougher, we found out very quickly that it wasn’t meant to happen the natural way, and it very well may NEVER happen.

It was almost as if we didn’t even have a fighting chance from the start. Doctors had told us that we were highly unlikely to conceive, and that my window for carrying a pregnancy safely was “closing quickly.” As a then 24 year-old newlywed, my husband and I were naturally shocked. However, the shock was quickly replaced by something so much worse… ultimate heartache.

Never in our wildest dreams could we ever have imagined the roller coaster ride that is infertility. The unknown possibilities, with very harsh timelines, and crazy fertility hormones are enough to send even the strongest of minds into a whirlwind of utter mush. You are thrown into every emotion, and you are constantly hoping and praying that maybe this time would be THAT time, only to be soon hit with failure and devastation once again. On top of that, everywhere you turn there is a reminder of what everyone else can have, what you want so desperately, and what you more than likely can never have.

Our time of infertility was a really dark time for me. I found myself questioning God and all the pain he was putting me through. I cried, I screamed, and I begged for him to hear my prayers. After all, God was the one who had the power to provide miracles. Yet, for some reason, I didn’t seem to be worthy of getting mine.  As time went on, my anger changed into total depression. I had always seen myself as a mom, and for some reason, I was losing my chance before it even had the opportunity to start. My time was out, and I was devastated. I was empty. I was lost.

Slowly but surely, my husband and I mourned our lost battle with infertility. We tried to move on with our lives, and we tried to see what our future together could look like without children. But something in both of us just couldn’t ever find peace with the idea of never having a family. Living a life just as a couple wasn’t something either of us saw for ourselves. God put the desires for our own family in our hearts. They were real, and they were so very strong. Deep down both of us knew that God specifically placed those desires within each of us. We knew that he had purposely formed us to be parents, and we knew that somewhere there was a baby out there that was meant to be our child. God was still working in our lives.

Shortly after this point, adoption came into the picture. From the beginning, we were both at peace, and things just fell into place. Neither of us could imagine how we were going to financially handle adoption, but the money was always strangely there when it needed to be. Neither of could of imagined how we would have the strength to keep fighting, but a helpful smile or an encouraging word was also there when we needed it to be. God was pointing us to our child. He was leading us down the path to our family. It just wasn’t the way that either of us ever saw happening.

Today, I can stand and say that I understand why God brought infertility into my life. I am still working hard to make peace with it, but I understand why. It was the path I was meant to take in order to bring my daughter into my life, find my strength, and learn what faith really means. However, I am so very human, and I still struggle often. Infertility will be a life-long battle for me. There will always be good days, but there will also always be bad days. Those bad days are real, and they are painful. Yet I find my peace in remembering that God places desires in your heart knowing the exact purpose as to why they are there.

As I think about those other couples that have been, or may be currently in the harsh world of infertility, my heart aches in understanding. From the bottom of my heart, I want them to hear the realization that took me so long to understand, “Just because you are not meant to be pregnant, doesn’t mean that you aren’t meant to have a family.” God placed those desires in your heart. He sees you, he knows your pain, and he hears your prayers. And somehow, someway, he will fulfill them. It just may not be in the exact way that you want, but he will work in your lives the way that he worked in mine.