Joy in The Journey Breakout:
Not What I Expected - Food for Thought
Have
you ever wondered just how in the world you ever ended up somewhere?
For example, when you set out to find a crock pot recipe for supper
using google and millions of recipes are displayed. Click,click, and
another click, and without realizing sidebar adds and pictures hijack
your entire mission, and it's now time to pick up your
daughter from school. Somehow you got derailed and lost in the abyss
of cyberspace and the superhighway of information. You pick up the littles from
school, run from dance practices to appointments, to the grocery store
and you feel exhausted upon entering your front door. When you look up
at the clock, you gasp, because you just remembered this morning's
intentions for dinner. You remember that moment ten hours earlier when
your mind was kidnapped by cyber-thieves. The frustration and haste sets in as you apply your least favorite pair of glasses... your hindsight bifocals.
For
just a moment you are able to replay the events through those awful
glasses. You see it all through the two in one lens. The top of the
hindsight bifocals play out the days events and display what actually
happened. But, the bottom magnified lens reveals what could have been.
All you can think of is.... NOT AGAIN!! You scramble around in an
attempt to fix
a nutritious meal for your family and the best you can do is grill
cheese or PB&J. Your family looks down at the food on their plate,
dissatisfied, and the grumbling begins...."I don't like grill cheese."
"I thought we were gonna have a real meal mommy." "Why can't you make
us good food?" Or my favorite, "I think I'm gonna starve to death cause I
don't want that."
Yep,
and that's the moment you start feeling like you have to be the worst
mother ever. It's one of those moments when you wish you could have a do
over. But
you just keep repeating the same old patterns and expecting something
to change. Because the greater the difference between your expectation
and reality the greater the disappointment. And each day of
disappointment regarding parenting your adopted kiddo(s) becomes
cumulative and the whisper of lies begin; and all you can hear is the
chatter of shoulda, coulda, wouldas.
You're
not good enough.
Really, again.....
Couldn't you just find a recipe and feed your family something fabulous for once?
I'm not cut out for this...
If only I had.....
Why couldn't I be more like....
You should have never said that..
I wish I would have known how hard this would be...
This is all your fault...
You're parenting just like...
There's a reason you were barren...
You're such a disappointment...
Your
mind is reeling. It is then that you start to try to deflect those lies
to make yourself feel better. And making yourself feel better is all
you can think about. You just want to escape the hundreds of lies that
bounce from side to side inside your head. You never knew it would EVER be
this hard and on many days you are reminded of the hundreds of
disconnected instances between you and your family. You miss the mark
again, and now you feel like
parenting adopted kiddos is not at all what you ever anticipated or
expected it would be. These are the days that strip you of who you are.
You wear thin and your heart grows weary. And because you're weary you
say things you should never say to the ones you love. You forget all
about the teachings, the videos, the books and the conferences, and all
the tools they had once equipped you with to parent your littles.
You know the things that have come out of your mouth would cause Karyn Purvis to
shriek in horror. You are more disconnected from your kids than you
ever imagined or expected you ever could be. You think about the videos
and books and the moments you should be connecting with your children
but all those resources are forced behind the curtain of a hazy blur.
You know the less frequent you use those tools you
were once equipped with the more you forget you ever had them to begin
with - securely attached to your belt. They become heavy and burdensome,
so you decide to parent on your own - you take off the belt.
But,
when you decide to parent your way it feels all wrong. You know you
have no healthy reference point, and you feel like God must have made a
mistake in choosing you to parent. Our disconnected
parenting hurts us, it hurts our families, and it hurts the hearts of
the children God entrusted us to love, to
teach, and to encourage. Your level of disappointment has far exceeded
what you ever envisioned. Because what you envisioned were
journeys full of colorful rainbows and flavorful lollipops. But your
reality was more like Dark skies, constant rain filled clouds and buckets
of lemons to suck on. Because of these two in such opposition
(Expectation and Reality) your level of disappointment is greater than
you could have ever prepared yourself for.
But, I am so thankful there
is hope and grace for the weary mommy. The days are long and the years
are short, so I'm welcoming the use of my Hindsight bifocals more often.
I believe there are lessons to be learned in the knowledge of our
past.
Someone once said that life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.
This
is oh so true. I've come to realize that life is full of expectations,
big or small, realistic, or way off the mark. I've learned so much by
understanding what is behind me. I've learned over time that my
backwards can help me live in the forward.
Adoption
has been a tool God has used to reshape my heart, change my thinking
and broaden my view of His Grace. Because without His Grace, and without
Him meeting me where my expectation and reality intersect into
disappointment, I will never be the mother He has so graciously called
me to be.
My
Hindsight view has allowed me to learn how to rest upon the wings of grace, a grace that I cannot earn and I did nothing to deserve. Gods grace is
sufficient to meet you in your daily disappointments, in your
heartbreak, and in the moments you get it all wrong.
"But He said to me, "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore
I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me." (2 Corinthians 12:9)
What
expectations did you have before your adoption Journey? What do you
wish you had known? Were your expectations realistic, or are you still
trying to figure out how your reality could be so far off from your
expectations? I can't wait to share with you what other adoptive moms
wish they knew, and how we can learn from one another's heartaches and
disappointments. Lets count them ALL as Joy, as we join one another in Missouri.
****************************************************
My name is Sharon, and I'm honored to be one of the speakers at the upcoming Joy in the Journey retreat this month. I’m
a Ragamuffin Writer, A Lyoness Heart; Chosen as a mother through the
gift of adoption.
I’m a wife, a mother, a nurse, a blogger & lover of Jesus. I love
all things adoption both the bitter & the sweet. I am a Daughter of
The King most High, who was chosen, adopted, forgiven, & redeemed,
and because of His love for me ~ I am committed to defending the
Fatherless. www.lyonessheart.blogspot.com
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