Friday, October 10, 2014

When God Doesn't Give You What You Want

Infertility sucks.
I could end this blog post there. But for the sake of the “deeper” message, I will keep going.

A couple years ago, my husband and I entered into the world of trying to start our family. But, it wasn’t the way I ever planned and it wasn’t anywhere near what I wanted for “my” timeline of how our life together was going to go. To make matters even tougher, we found out very quickly that it wasn’t meant to happen the natural way, and it very well may NEVER happen.

It was almost as if we didn’t even have a fighting chance from the start. Doctors had told us that we were highly unlikely to conceive, and that my window for carrying a pregnancy safely was “closing quickly.” As a then 24 year-old newlywed, my husband and I were naturally shocked. However, the shock was quickly replaced by something so much worse… ultimate heartache.

Never in our wildest dreams could we ever have imagined the roller coaster ride that is infertility. The unknown possibilities, with very harsh timelines, and crazy fertility hormones are enough to send even the strongest of minds into a whirlwind of utter mush. You are thrown into every emotion, and you are constantly hoping and praying that maybe this time would be THAT time, only to be soon hit with failure and devastation once again. On top of that, everywhere you turn there is a reminder of what everyone else can have, what you want so desperately, and what you more than likely can never have.

Our time of infertility was a really dark time for me. I found myself questioning God and all the pain he was putting me through. I cried, I screamed, and I begged for him to hear my prayers. After all, God was the one who had the power to provide miracles. Yet, for some reason, I didn’t seem to be worthy of getting mine.  As time went on, my anger changed into total depression. I had always seen myself as a mom, and for some reason, I was losing my chance before it even had the opportunity to start. My time was out, and I was devastated. I was empty. I was lost.

Slowly but surely, my husband and I mourned our lost battle with infertility. We tried to move on with our lives, and we tried to see what our future together could look like without children. But something in both of us just couldn’t ever find peace with the idea of never having a family. Living a life just as a couple wasn’t something either of us saw for ourselves. God put the desires for our own family in our hearts. They were real, and they were so very strong. Deep down both of us knew that God specifically placed those desires within each of us. We knew that he had purposely formed us to be parents, and we knew that somewhere there was a baby out there that was meant to be our child. God was still working in our lives.

Shortly after this point, adoption came into the picture. From the beginning, we were both at peace, and things just fell into place. Neither of us could imagine how we were going to financially handle adoption, but the money was always strangely there when it needed to be. Neither of could of imagined how we would have the strength to keep fighting, but a helpful smile or an encouraging word was also there when we needed it to be. God was pointing us to our child. He was leading us down the path to our family. It just wasn’t the way that either of us ever saw happening.

Today, I can stand and say that I understand why God brought infertility into my life. I am still working hard to make peace with it, but I understand why. It was the path I was meant to take in order to bring my daughter into my life, find my strength, and learn what faith really means. However, I am so very human, and I still struggle often. Infertility will be a life-long battle for me. There will always be good days, but there will also always be bad days. Those bad days are real, and they are painful. Yet I find my peace in remembering that God places desires in your heart knowing the exact purpose as to why they are there.

As I think about those other couples that have been, or may be currently in the harsh world of infertility, my heart aches in understanding. From the bottom of my heart, I want them to hear the realization that took me so long to understand, “Just because you are not meant to be pregnant, doesn’t mean that you aren’t meant to have a family.” God placed those desires in your heart. He sees you, he knows your pain, and he hears your prayers. And somehow, someway, he will fulfill them. It just may not be in the exact way that you want, but he will work in your lives the way that he worked in mine.

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