All my life, I’ve been
blessed by having good groups of friends that came to me through various
methods. They change through the
years, some closer than others for a season or two. There have been times when making these friendships was
easier than others and there have been times when I had more time to devote to
them. And then I became a mom and
learned about a kind of friend I didn’t even know existed. (Seasoned moms will know this kind of
friend.) This is the friend that
came into your life through your children.
Thankfully there was a
sweet group of girls who befriended Yiyi upon her arrival at school after we
came home. In this group there was
one little girl (we’ll call her Maci) who was particularly sweet. She was kind to our child and made a
point to introduce herself to Brian and I. We were instant fans.
So the first opportunity I had to meet Maci’s mom and tell her how
awesome her daughter was, I took it.
Of course, anytime a stranger starts gushing about how amazing your
child is – that is a conversation starter. One thing led to another, she taught me a better way to deal
with the afternoon pick up, and phone numbers were exchanged.
Here were are 8 months
later and I get to spend about 7 minutes a day with my friend, Maci’s mom. We park a couple of blocks away and
walk over to the school together.
We share updates, talk about field trips, husband’s, children, and weekend
plans. It is glorious. I don’t have any other friendship where
I get to talk uninterrupted to the same girlfriend for 7 minutes every day.
Maci’s mom and I don’t have
a ton in common, but the one thing we both share is that we’re both adoptive
moms. Maci’s mom married a young
widower who was left with his two young daughters and became an adoptive mom by
default when she said yes. She
didn’t get classes and home studies and psych evals and dossiers and a monthly
call with a caseworker asking if she was doing ok and more classes and sleepless
nights crying as she waited for her babies. No, quite the contrary. Her wedding night was spent in a nearby hotel and the next
day she walked into her new home with two children, formally adopted some weeks
later, and not knowing what was to come.
Two years later: Sometimes
Maci’s mom has issues with these two daughters that she just can’t
understand. Feeling like she
should certainly know how to deal with things wondering why her natural instincts
don’t work with these girls keeps her up at night. She deals with all the typical kid stuff, along with some
behaviors stemming from her children losing their mom they were young (aka.
abandonment, grief, loss, tragedy, questions as to “why”, no control, and childhood
trauma issues) and they don’t know how to deal with them. Moreover, they don’t even know what it
is that they are even feeling or dealing with. Because they are children. So what happens?
Negative behaviors. Power
struggles. Lack of respect for
their mom. Sleeping issues. Eating issues. Difficulties with transitions. Sadness. The constant battle for control. All stuff that most of us deal with every day, but we chose
it. We sought it out. We spent $35,000 to make it
happen. We got all the help, preparation,
and support possible. Maci’s mom
got the love of her life and also a ready-made family.
Fast forward to the other
day. I was telling her something
Yiyi said to me and she said, “ugh, that must have been awful to hear from your
daughter. Were you fuming
mad?” And I responded “Not really.
I don’t get to get my feelings hurt.
I don’t get the luxury of getting mad. I don’t get to take
it personally.” She said “huh,
what?” with much interest and intrigue.
So I explained to her about how all the bad stuff happened to Yiyi and
how she went through crazy amounts of trauma and loss and all her behaviors
were just obvious results from her past.
I was prepared, I expected it all, and I have so many tools for how to
deal with things when they come up that I don’t take it personally. I don’t get mad. Even when I know Yiyi is trying to get
my goat, I just don’t go to that place.
I’m a heck of a lot more effective helping Yiyi cope with her grief if
I’m not mad at her at the same time.
And so Maci’s mom paused and
she looked up to the heavens and said, “you’re right. Of course. How did I not realize that before?
That’s genius!” I said it wasn’t
really genius and I couldn’t really take credit for this theory, but that I was
glad it resonated with her. She
started talking about all the bad behaviors her girls have and about how bad
they make her feel sometimes. She
talked about when they get ugly with their words, how they can say just the
right things to make her feel awful…and they know it! But how much better would her experience have been this
whole time if someone would have told her that earlier?
She brought this subject up
again a few days ago. She said
looking at things through that lens over the past couple of week has helped her
parent her children in a different way.
More love, more understanding, and a happier attitude for her. She said it’s too bad she didn’t get a
home study for her adoption. She
didn’t have anyone suggesting classes.
She didn’t know to even look such places for such things. So she just dug in and did what she
could. But now, 2 years into their
marriage, she realizes she could have done some things differently. She knows now that she should have
parented the children differently than she would have her biological children. She knows now that she’s spent the
better part of two years struggling to bond with children who have had trauma
filled rages, all of which she, very understandably, took personally when the
kids made it turn personal to her.
This story has been going
around and around in my head since I had this conversation with her. I’ll pat myself a little bit on the
back for helping her, but truly I’m so glad we were able to talk through
it. The lesson here is, no matter
what kind of adoption, no matter if the kids get to keep one parent, no matter
if it seems like everything is ok, all children who are adopted have to go
through The Big Loss and that will shape who they are and how they behave. And if we, the adoptive parents, can be
ready to catch them when they fall, shower them with love and understanding,
and ourselves be ready to be more selfless than we’ve ever been before, we can
help our children work through their pain to find peace.
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