A Voice From the Courtroom: Do's and Don'ts of Being an Adoptive Placement

My name is Joe Hensley. I'm an attorney who emphasizes in foster/adoption cases. In my experience as the former attorney for the Jasper County Juvenile Office and in my guardian ad litem cases, I see hundreds of children each year who grow up without the safety and security offered by loving, caring parents.  As I tell my adoption clients at the end of their case, my hat is off to you.

I hope you will find the following information helpful:

What advice would you give to someone who is trying to decide between fostering and adopting privately? 
First, the real difference in being an adoptive placement for a foster child as opposed to adopting
privately or through an agency is that you have to at least appear to be “neutral” while the social
workers provide reunification efforts.  I am well aware this is much easier said than done.  You
want the child to be comfortable in your home and feel safe and loved.  Inevitably, you may grow
to love that child and have a vested interest in the outcome of their Juvenile court case.  That’s
normal and human.  But you can not “wear your emotions on your sleeve.”  The single biggest
mistake you can make as an adoptive placement is doing anything that can be perceived as
“sabotaging” the reunification efforts.

What has technology done to help and hurt those who are involved in foster care? 
We live in an age of incredible technological advances.  Much of that growth in the last few
years is in the area of social media.  Blogging, Google +, Reddit, MySpace, Twitter, texting and
Instagram are now household words, and over one billion people have Facebook accounts.  In
fact, like me, you probably learned about “Joy in the Journey” through Facebook.
When you become an adoptive placement, this technology is relevant to you because you are (or
soon will be) a party in a lawsuit and therefore your life could be under a magnifying glass.
While I do not want to make you paranoid, a little paranoia when you are in a contested case is
not necessarily a bad thing.  Understand that anything you post on Facebook or any other public
or semi-public website can be used against you in court.  For example, if you are a regular
Facebook or Instagram user you may love posting pictures of your adorable little boy or girl (who
doesn’t?).  I appreciate your enthusiasm.  However, I have seen this used against people time and
time again in Court, even if the person on the other side should not have been able to “see” your
post because they are not your “friend.”

What would you say are the most important do's and don'ts of adoptive placements?  
The following list applies mainly to contested cases where one or both biological parents have
not consented to the termination of their parental rights.  Contested cases are much easier for me
to manage if I can just focus on evidence for the “Attack” (for lack of a better term) and not have
to worry about “Defense.”  In other words, I do not want to have to deal or spend my time and
resources on defending you if you getting called to the stand and asked embarrassing questions.
Imagine a football team who only has to play offense.  The coach only has to worry about the
other team’s defense instead of their offense too.  The team still has to put points on the board,
but their chances of getting beat go down considerably if the other team doesn’t get to run any
plays on offense. 
So that my client’s know what behavior is appropriate, I ask them to read and follow this “Do
and Don’t” list beginning immediately and continuing to do so until the case is over:

1. DO - Immediately set your social media privacy settings to “High” or “Friends only.”
2. DON’T accept any friend requests while your case is pending unless you verify offline
they requested your friendship and you trust them.  Also, please review your online
contacts or friends.  If you do not recognize someone or cannot verify their existence
offline, then delete, block, or un-friend them now.
3. DON’T - Post any pictures of your child online on any website.  There will be plenty of
time for that when your case is over. 
4. DON’T - Customize anything (i.e. T-shirts or clothing, furniture, toys) with the child’s
picture and/or new name on it until the case is final. 
5. DON’T - Call the child by his/her new name you have chosen if your case is going to be
contested.  Caveat: Sometimes that “ship has already sailed.”  Don’t beat yourself up
about that and do not try to go back now (unless ordered to) because it will only confuse
the child.  Either way, please be careful to try not to use the new name in front of the
biological parents or other members of the Family Support Team.
6. DO - Be conscious of your public appearance and behavior.  Do not become intoxicated.
Do not go anywhere that you might be embarrassed about having to explain a photo of
you entering or leaving.  Example:  Having a drink at a bar with a friend is probably not a
big deal, but imagine being confronted and cross examined on multiple pictures of you
leaving a bar.  You may not have even had a drink, but if that is your defense, the follow
up question will be “Then why do you have to meet in a bar?” etc.  The damage is done.   
7. DON’T - “Share” or forward risque or racy photographs or any pictures that are in bad
taste, off color, endorse a racial stereotype, or that advertise or glorify alcohol or drugs.
Do not “Like” any pages that meet that description.  Regarding online debates and
comments, it is fine to have an opinion and participate in discussions, but keep in mind in
our politically correct world almost any comment could offend someone.
8. DON’T - Talk about your case or anyone involved in your case on the internet.  This
includes the biological parents, the child, the Juvenile Officer, the Guardian ad Litem,
anyone at Children’s Division, and any Judge on your case.  Example: The biological
parent’s attorney argues at a permanency hearing that he/she should have expanded
visitation, and the judge grants it.  In anger, you fire off a “friends only” Facebook post
about the arrogant attorney and the dimwit Judge who listened to them.  You just gave
that attorney a sharp knife to stab you with right in front of the Judge you insulted.   Not
good.
9. DON’T - Show or discuss the letters your attorney sends you or his/her trial strategy with
anyone.  The Attorney-Client privilege is the most legally protected privilege our law
recognizes.  You could tell your attorney literally anything without fear that they will
repeat it.  However, if you tell just one other person then that privilege evaporates. 
10. DON’T - Write, type, text, e-mail, leave a voice mail or say anything to anyone involved
in the case (or otherwise) unless you would be comfortable reading it on the stand, under
oath, in front of a Judge and a room full of people (or if it is a recording, hearing it
replayed).  If that thought makes you squirm, re-word your message, or do not send or say
it at all.  Send it to your attorney if you have questions and you can discuss it. 

Joe Hensley is an attorney with offices in Joplin and Carthage, Missouri.  His practice includes civil trials and litigation, with an emphasis on adoptions.  He is the former Chief Legal Counsel for the Jasper County Juvenile Office and is a member of the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys.

One Month Away GIVEAWAY!!

Giveaway Ended. Congratulations, Catrina Steinmann!!

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EXACTLY one month from today, at 6:00 p.m., registration for the first ever Joy in the Journey Adoptive Mama's Retreat will go LIVE. The Joy in the Journey team has been hard at work, planning to make the retreat one that will bless the hearts of the ladies who attend.

To celebrate how close we are to the registration date, we are hosting a giveaway. One lucky winner will win a beautiful photo book from Pics with a Purpose for You. Giveaway details are as follows:

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My husband, Jason, and I are in the final stages of our first adoption. We are overjoyed to be bringing our son home from Taiwan in two weeks! (I leave this Saturday!!!) We love kids and hope to have a full house one day through both local and international adoptions. We are extremely thankful that all the expenses for this first adoption are covered, but as I said, we don’t want to stop here!

After reading the blog post about The 1500 Tree Project Giveaway, I was inspired. I've never been super excited about the thought of fundraising, and realized I may have been subconsciously telling the Lord “No” in this area. While reading The 1500 Tree Project Giveaway blog I realized this, and quickly decided that saying “No” to the Lord was not a good plan. I prayed, “Lord, if you have something fun and creative that you would like me to do to help fund our next adoption, I’m willing.” Within 5 seconds my mind was full of what I would call a download from Heaven!

Creating Photo Books is something I've done for our family and loved since my husband and I got married five years ago, so it wasn't rocket science when this idea came to me. Nonetheless, I never thought of it on my own! It took a prayer and a willing heart. Now it seems so obvious! Over the years I have heard a plethora of mothers say something to the effect of, "Yeah, I stopped completing photo albums when my oldest was 6 months." I'm here to help, and not just those mothers, but anyone who loves pictures and family memories at their finger tips!

Photo Books are my primary focus, and they come in four different sizes: 5x7, 8x8, 8x11, and 12x12. If you have digital pictures we can discuss various ways to get them to me, and if you have hard copies of pictures that are not yet digital, I provide scanning services as well! I have been interested and active in photography for over 15 years, so if you want to set up a photo session to take pictures for you photo book, I do that too! I really just love it all!

Today’s giveaway is for a 5x7 photo book, or the equivalent value to go towards a larger book or a photo session. It’s up to you! Check out my page at www.facebook.com/picswithapurposeforyou or email me at picswithapurposeforyou@gmail.com for more details.

I’d love to help you get your family pictures and memories up to date to enjoy for years to come, while you help us make ours possible!!

About Our Family

Jason and Laurel Wike celebrated their fifth anniversary in August of this year. When they married, Laurel was blessed to become the step-Mom to a beautiful young girl who is now 9-years-old, and very eager for her little brother to come home from Taiwan in two weeks! Jason is the Corporate Chef for the Red Onion Restaurants, and Laurel is a stay-at-home-Mom-to-be and domestic entrepreneur, running an in-home daycare and transcribing in her spare time. The whole Wike family has not had the opportunity to be together yet, so here is a picture of Jason & Laurel with their son from their last trip to Taiwan in May.

To enter the giveaway, simply complete the rafflecopter form below.  The giveaway begins at midnight Central Standard Time on 9/11/13 and ends at 11:59 p.m. on 9/11/13.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

RESOURCE REVIEW: Nurturing Adoptions

It is believed that breaking the key attachments a child has, both good and bad, is traumatic for the child.  It is also believed that early childhood trauma affects the development of the child’s core understanding of the world.  Is it safe?  Am I valuable?  If we accept these beliefs then we accept that every child who is welcomed into a home for adoption enters as a traumatized child.  This is the unpopular reality that competes with the beautiful dreams of creating a family. 

As an Adoption and Foster Care Specialist, I work to blend the hope and excitement of adoption with the skills and knowledge needed for trauma care.  Deborah Gray’s book, Nurturing Adoptions: Creating Resilience After Neglect and Trauma does this work with expertise and sensitivity.  Deborah is a former therapeutic foster parent and a clinical social worker with over 20 years of experience working with adopted children.  The book itself can be daunting – over 500 pages including sections for resources and exercises – but the information provided is directly relevant and immensely needed for both parents and professionals.

In my professional role I assess families who have chosen to foster-adopt.  I am frequently asked what it is exactly that I am assessing.   What are the key indicators to successful placements and adoptions?  

Deborah’s book touches upon each key aspect – emotional regulation, the ability to seek outside supports, and a capacity for self-reflection.  She describes how and why these characteristics affect healing, attachment, and as a result, behaviors.  The book is hopeful and confident.  There is no glossing over the behaviors or the strain these behaviors can cause in families, but Deborah highlights the reasons behind behaviors and the strategies that promote healing.  This book addresses young children up to teenagers, and encompasses international and domestic adoptions.  It provides insight into the unique needs adopted children have due to their trauma and notes that many existing modalities used in children’s therapies are not designed for children who experience “trauma-contaminated grief” or the ways that trauma, stress, abuse and fear can affect a child’s brain.

It had been argued to me that this isn’t a book for parents – and I agree that this is not a handbook to flip through in the midst of a crisis or in one’s 3 minutes of “me time” while parenting.  But, I absolutely disagree that parents -  the only people on the ground working with, struggling alongside, and desperately loving their children - shouldn’t be, or won’t want to be given the knowledge and tools to help their child.  The chapters in the book are building blocks for understanding your child’s brain and seeing their world through their eyes.  I love the idea of structuring a study group around this book.  I can see it working well this way for waiting parents, or for those who are parenting and are able to devote some time to study.  It can be useful to can share your own examples or hear from others as they recognize their child’s behaviors in the pages of this book.

Nurturing Adoptions is a study guide to build a strong foundation for the family you create.  This curriculum is essential to understanding how to calmly and effectively parent traumatized children.  Deborah Gray is a teacher who lets you know you can do it, absolutely should do it, and gives you the knowledge to do it right. 

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Kate Rocke, MSW has worked with children and families in crisis since 2001.  She previously worked in South America in an orphanage for two years.  For the last year she has worked as an Adoption and Foster Care Specialist in Seattle, WA, working with families through the home studies, placements and post-placement phases.  Kate is an aunt to a niece and nephew who joined her family through international adoption. 

OUR STORY: Adopting through Foster Care

Blogging is new to me but adoption is not! My husband and I began our family 23 years ago though adoption and will be adopting our last child when he is born---any minute!

I have watched and listened as our birth mother experiences heartburn, Braxton Hicks, other times of discomfort and anxiety. As I anticipate the time of delivery, I know she will experience those particular pains and that anxiety for the last time. The pains caused by the baby stretching and growing will be replaced with grief and a new set of challenges as she finds a new normal and continues on with her life. 

I have watched women work through this process before. The pain they have daily for the rest of their lives is often forgotten as adoptive parents experience the fun and excitement of their new arrival. This excitement has always left me with waves of guilt, knowing that the birth mother is grieving. 

Adoptive parents have a labor and delivery process of their own. This process often lasts for years as they wait, hope, and beg to become parents. The labor and delivery for adoptive parents is very different but comparable, none the less. The lack of certainty, the inability to control anything, and the lack of understanding from those who profess to love you, are all parts of the labor and delivery that most people would never even think about.

As I struggle with the disappointment of never having given birth, I thank God for our children, their birth mothers, and the opportunity to enjoy labor and delivery in some capacity. 

Lord, please help me to remember the sacrifice those precious birth mothers made and the pain of labor and delivery. Please fill the void in their lives with Your very presence.                                                             ............................................................................................

My name is Karla Hurrell. My husband and I have adopted 10 children and our precious #11 is on his way.

OUR STORY: Adopting through Foster Care

Hannah's Story

I write this post with the hope that it personalizes the children in the foster care system. In Oklahoma, there are over 9,000 children in state custody right now. They are more than a name, a number and a file. They each have a story that deserves to be heard. This is Hannah's.

In October 2011, as we were finishing up our foster parent certification, I read a news story about a baby girl named Hannah, who was missing. I saw her picture and read that Hannah's mom was mentally ill and needed to check herself into the hospital, so she left Hannah with a woman she had just met. Once she was admitted to the hospital and asked where her daughter was, she couldn't remember. 10 month old Hannah was officially a missing child. I stopped what I was doing and prayed right then for this baby girl and her mother, who seemed like she was doing the only thing she knew to do at that point in her life.

By God's grace, the woman that Hannah was left with was a good woman and took good care of her until she saw the news story about her being a missing child. At that point she was taken into DHS custody and placed into an emergency foster home.  She stayed there for a week, with an incredible family, until our certification was finished and we received the long awaited phone call with a list of children needing homes. They must have ran through 20 children with a short summary of their stories. We had been planning for a newborn, so when they told us that a 3 day old baby boy was available, I immediately told my husband that I wanted him. As I walked away, I started praying, "Lord, is that what you want?" He immediately told me, "Take the 10 month old baby girl." So I ran back and told Seth, "Tell them never mind,  I want the baby girl. Is it too late? I want the baby girl." I had no idea until we picked her up and saw her face that this was the same baby girl that I prayed for a couple weeks earlier.

Hannah's birth mom loved her very much, but was unable to care for her safely. She was 9 year veteran of the Navy and suffered from severe PTSD. She passed away close to a year after Hannah went into custody and after she had relinquished her rights so that we could adopt her. Hannah's birth father has adult children already and was not interested in caring for a toddler and forfeited his rights early on in the process.

I look at my precious, 2 year old girl now and she is happy, healthy and ornery. :) Sometimes I think, "What if we had said no? What if we chose being comfortable and safe over becoming foster parents? What if our certification had finished on time and didn't take an extra 3 months? What if we had taken that baby boy instead?" So many little steps of obedience and faith led us to our beautiful daughter, Hannah Grace. How much greater is HIS plan than ours? Can you even begin to imagine what His plans are for her life after a beginning story like this?

Thank you Father for every single delay and obstacle that turned out to be Your hand and Your favor on us and Hannah. Thank you for protecting my baby girl while she wasn't with me. She is one heck of a miracle. Glory to God.

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My name is Elizabeth Pedigo.  I'm a happy stay-at-home mama/foster mama to 7 children under 7. I'm passionate about living my life to glorify our risen Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I have a husband who blesses me beyond anything I deserve every day and supports me in all the crazy things I do. 

September Spotlight: Foster Care

Follow us this month as we share the Joys and Difficulty of Foster Care.  

Please show our guest bloggers some love by leaving encouraging comments, liking, and sharing their posts.  

Our prayer is that those of you in the foster care community will be encouraged this month and that others will consider the blessing of opening up your home to children in need.

RESOURCE REVIEW: The Connected Child

Hi all!  I’m Amy, wife to my amazing hubby, Chris, and mother to my beautiful 3 year old daughter, Ava, and hopefully soon, another precious little Taiwanese child!  

Our daughter came home from The Home of God’s Love in Taiwan when she was around 3 months old and it’s been a wonderful, crazy ride since!  Ava has fortunately adjusted and attached well to both Chris and I.  I was thankful to have an amazing group of adoptive mommas supporting me that gave me a loaded arsenal of books on attachment!

The Connected Child by Dr. Karyn Purvis has been such a great tool for us as a family.  I wanted to share a little bit about the book, its contents, and how we have integrated the principles into our family life.  First let me start by saying that no matter what age you adopted your child, birth to teenage years, all our children are ”at-risk” simply by being adopted.  Dr. Purvis often terms these children as “from the hard places”. 

 This book is a very practical, application style, how-to book on parenting children and promoting attachment.  It is geared towards a little bit older child, primarily once they are able to understand and follow simple directions.   She approaches parenting children from a wide variety of backgrounds—institutionalization, orphanages, foster care, sexual abuse, physical/verbal abuse, loss and grief, poverty, etc.  This book is not a book on how to discipline your child, although discipline is included.  It’s more about the process of integrating a child into your family, developing healthy attachment, and the many aspects of parenting a child from the hard places—love, nurturing, encouragement, discipline, and relationships.

“As much as we might wish for a quick answer, no single treatment works perfectly with all at-risk children.  …The key is to treat the whole child, with all his or her interrelated needs, not just one small aspect of behavior or illness.”

“Effective coaching and parenting of an at-risk child, as explained in this book, is multidisciplinary and ongoing.  It involves building EQ (emotional intelligence) as well as IQ (intellectual mastery).  It supports your child’s senses and physiology along with his or her psychology.  It means helping your child get in touch with his own feelings as well as his needs, emotions, hunger, pain, and fear—so that he can then connect comfortably with the world around him and you.  It means teaching your child communication skills and coping mechanisms, so she can succeed in life.  It means demonstrating that you are in charge, yet sensitive to your child’s needs.  This book contains practical techniques designed to help you and your child achieve these goals.”

There is a vast amount of information in the book, almost overwhelmingly the first time you read it.  I recommend reading it, then going back and slowly going through the areas that you are currently facing as a parent in the here and now.  There is also a DVD series through her Empower to Connect Seminars that are amazing!   Our local adoption group got together to watch and discuss them weekly.  (We rented them through our local library.)  It is the same info contained in the book, only a bit more in depth.   It’s great for visual and auditory learners like myself. 

There is a nice balance of theory and application in the book.  Dr. Purvis is very adept at giving real life examples and walking you through each situation and how to address not just the behavior but the underlying motivating factors.  She walks you through step by step:   getting out of crisis mode if you’re dealing with a particularly challenging child, helping your child feel safe, understanding how your child’s background effects their behavior, establishing your authority, tools for correcting behavior, teaching your child to self-regulate, setting appropriate boundaries, encouraging your child, problem-solving with your child, building self-confidence with your child,  teaching valuable life skills, and ultimately healing.  She even tackles some more in depth issues like sensory processing disorders as well as addressing food insecurities (i.e. food hoarding).   One thing she does incredibly well is teach you how to work with your child instead of fighting against your child.  She discusses how to turn your child’s defense mechanisms into safe, positive, attachment building behaviors that meet your child’s needs but breaks down the ultimate need for the behaviors in the first place.

The biggest take away we have in our family personally is probably the IDEAL approach that Dr.Purvis lays out.  Here is a link to a short video about the techniquehttp://vimeo.com/6965006.  Below is my paraphrase of the technique as laid out in the book. 

Immediately responding to misbehavior within 3 seconds.

Directly respond by making eye contact with your child, giving them undivided attention, and bringing them NEARER to you to teach and guide them.

Efficiently give your response:  least amount of firmness, correction, and words as possible.

Action-based redirection and correction:  physically doing a real life “do-over” and giving them an opportunity to learn the correct behavior and be successful at it.

Level the response at the behavior not the child.

Chris and I use this daily in our household.  I admit Chris is much better at the approach than I am, and much more consistent.   It is not the only method we use, but I must say, it is very effective for us.    Anytime we correct behavior or discipline, we always follow it with “I love you” and a kiss.  Then it’s back to business as usual.

She also gives a lot of scripting ideas that are short and sweet.  We love these in our house!  It’s a great trigger to quickly and easily help Ava right her behavior on her own and “self-regulate”.  While our words are not exactly the phrases that she always uses, the basic concept is the same.  Some of the phrases are:

               

Dr.Purvis’ Scripts

“Are you asking or telling?”

“Is that showing respect?”

“Use your words.”

“Is that gentle and kind?”

“Listen and obey."

Common Earhart Scripts

“Are you whining?”

“Use your words.”

“Can you ask me?”

“Listen the first time.”

“Try it again.”

One of the things I love about this book is that, in general, it’s just good parenting.  The strategies are great for at-risk kids, but also for any kid!  Many families built through adoption also have biological children in the mix too.  This parenting method is great for dealing with the everyday challenges no matter what the background of your child or how they joined your family.  This way you not only have an individualized way to deal with each  child, but also a consistent approach that fits for the whole family, not just your adopted child.

My biggest criticism is that I felt like the book started in the middle of her approach and at times feels a little disorganized.  The end chapters of the book have some good lessons about normal, healthy development of a child, as well as some basics on brain chemistry and how our brains work.  I wish this was at the beginning of the book.  As she talks through her methods, she has a tendency to assume that you already understand the foundation she’s working from.  However, the video series does a great job of setting up the foundation of philosophy, normal growth and development, and how the brain works and it’s chemistry, before it delves into the nitty gritty of parenting.  So it might be beneficial to watch the video series in conjunction with reading the book.

Overall, for us, this is a must-have book for parenting and developing secure attachment with Ava and any other child we bring into our home.  I am including some links to some great resources for her approach to attachment and parenting.  She also does a conference twice a year called Empower to Connect.  She has a ton of free resources on the TCU child development page http://www.child.tcu.edu as well as her Empower to Connect website www.empoweredtoconnect.org.

Purchase the following DVDs at http://www.child.tcu.edu/DVD%20sales.asp

Empowering, Connecting & Correcting Principles

Trust-Based Parenting Creating Lasting Changes in Your Child's Behavior