If you are parenting a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder you
have my complete respect, support, and empathy. Parenting a child with RAD can
be overwhelming. I am right there
with you. I want you to know that there is hope! My husband and I adopted an 8
year old boy from Eastern Europe. Although it has been a very hard 10 years
with him, he turned 18 this month, is living at home, kept a job for the last
year, graduated from high school and has just joined the military. I’m writing
this to pass on some of the things that we have learned on our own journey and
hope it will be a help to you on your journey.
Take Care of Yourself
When flying on an airplane, the flight attendants will always tell
you in the event of an emergency, ”place the oxygen mask on yourself first and
then on your child.” They know that we have to help ourselves first in order to
help our child. Children with RAD drain you emotionally, physically,
spiritually, socially, and financially. Keep your healthy relationships
healthy. Don’t sacrifice absolutely everything to save this child. One day this
child will be an adult. Whether or not he succeeds or fails as an adult, you
still will have the rest of your life to live. Hopefully your marriage and your
relationships with your other children will still be healthy.
Get Help From Others
Don’t feel like you need to soldier on alone. I think sometimes as
adoptive parents we are embarrassed to ask for help. Think of the adoption
process. Every agency imaginable scrutinizes our life to see if we will be good
parents. Our friends and family pray for us, and follow our adoption story.
Many people tell you what a “saint” you are for adopting this child. In their
heads they are picturing this beautiful Hallmark movie. The adoptive child
comes home and everyone immediately falls deeply in love and bonds together. The
child flourishes in your family just because of your love and care. We know
that our family looks a lot more like a reality TV show than a Hallmark movie.
Create a Support Group Around You
Connect with other adoptive parents and friends that you can
honestly talk to and pray together. Look for family members or friends who can
provide respite care. Consider getting a counselor for yourself or talking to a
pastor at your church. You are carrying a heavy amount of stress, so don’t be
embarrassed about getting some help.
Be Open to Outside Professional Help
With our son we reached the point where he needed to be moved out
of our home to a Boys’ Ranch. This broke our hearts. Words cannot describe the
pain and heartbreak this caused for my husband and me. Our son was a danger to
himself and was big enough that we were no longer able to physically restrain
him. For his safety, and the safety of the others living in the house, placing
him in a Boys’ Ranch became our only option. This was a painful and expensive
solution. At that time we felt like we had failed. We later realized that by
removing him from the home we were able to focus on keeping our other three children healthy. We wanted to keep the healthy people healthy. This also insured
that our son would be kept safe.
The facility had a staff 24/7 that could enforce the rules. He had
to do school and follow directions. If he chose not to obey the rules there
were clear consequences. This ranch was also a Christian facility and we knew
that our son was being loved while he was in their care.
In the end this turned out well for our son. He returned to our
home a few years later. School had been kept up to date so he was able to
graduate from high school on pace with his class. His record was kept clean and
he was never in any trouble with the law. This enabled him to get a good job
and join the military.
Understand RAD
I say this as loving as possible. People who mean well will offer
you tons of parenting advice that just will not work with children with RAD. Be
respectful of these people, but don’t feel like you have to listen to them, even
if they are in your own family.
A characteristic of RAD is that the child will be manipulating
relationships and make you look like the bad guy. Educate and communicate with
your family and friends. Over time they will see the manipulative behavior.
You Are Not Responsible For Their Choices
We cannot make anyone do anything. Not our husbands, our kids, no
one. We can do a lot to influence and help them. But in the end, they choose
their actions, not us. So do not take on their failures as your own. In the end
it is their choice on how they will live and what they will do. You are doing
the very best you can to help them. You have given them loving care, you have
raised them as best as you can, and given them an opportunity. Take comfort in
that thought. Release yourself from carrying unnecessary guilt.
Redefine Success
Our older two children are biological and our
younger two are adopted. Our older two children are overachievers. We all hoped
to add two more kids and basically multiply the love and the fun. Well, the fun didn’t come and we did not always feel the love. This
was a loss of a dream for us as parents. We felt like we failed until we
redefined what success looked like. Our younger children were not going to be
like the older two. This was never God’s design for them. He created each of us
to be an original. We are each loved greatly by our Creator. We each have our
own strengths and our own challenges.
For our son, success is to love the Lord, to have healthy
relationships, to hold down a job, and to abide by the law. Although he does not
agree with us on many things, he has a job, friends, and a good relationship
with his family. We are praying that he learns to trust the Lord and love Him
deeply. It has been a long, hard road with our son but his story is still being
written. So is our adoption a success?
I’d say yes!
Lori Good
Christian Life Coach
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