Sometimes it feels like my
life has been a constant string of hellos and goodbyes.
Between high school, college,
internships, mission trips, job changes, cross country moves, adoption, etc. my
friends and family are spread across the globe.
Thank goodness that we live
in the modern age where it is possible to live on opposite sides of the country
(or the world) and still interact and truly connect.
Human connection is vital. We
were created by God to be people who need each other. We need to be known, to be able to
relate, and to be understood.
For many people, adoption is
not well understood. It is not necessarily the “normal” way of having a family.
It might be welcomed, celebrated, and even encouraged, but it is not a shared
experience and therefore not always understood by our friends and family.
The Lord has blessed us with
amazing friends and family who have been incredibly supportive of our decision
to grow our family through international adoption. We are so grateful for them.
They have loved our children from the very beginning and have prayed with us,
cried with us, and rejoiced with us. While this means so much to my husband and
I, we recognize that they have never been through the adoption process and
don’t fully understand the trials and joys that we have encountered all the
way.
Not fully being understood by
friends and family is an isolating feeling, and the adoption journey can be
lonely. Infertility is lonely. Paperwork is lonely. Waiting is lonely. The
unknown is lonely.
One thing I was not expecting
on this adoption journey was the incredible people God would bring into our
lives who can truly relate. They are the ones that took our loneliness and
isolation and exchanged them for belonging and community. They got us. They got
our heart. They got our frustrations and worries. They got our passion and
joys. They got “IT.” All of it.
Hearts and souls connect in the, “Me
too!” moments. The bonds that form
during a heart wrenching cry as you long to see your child’s face, the dreams
of getting “the call,” your
frustrated vent as you navigate through paperwork, the indescribable joy of
welcoming your child home, and the ups and downs of the transition and
attachment process are priceless. In
order to form those connections though, I’ve learned that you must open
yourself up, be real, and seek out those in the adoption community.
When we first began our adoption
process we didn’t know anyone who had adopted. The whole process felt like staring into a giant black hole
of confusion and questions. I started reading adoption blogs and websites and
before I knew it, began to truly form a community of friends who shared our
passion for international adoption. I had only emailed, texted, and talked on the phone to
these new friends, yet they knew me in ways that most could not
understand. They got it. They got
me. Their eyes didn’t get a blank stare when I talked about USCIS, home
studies, I-600s, and attachment worries. They understood the longing, the aching
of my empty arms, and how I could be completely in love with a child that I
didn’t know. These new friends understood. They supported me, loved me, and
encouraged me. We connected through our shared passions and experiences.
My husband thought I was a little crazy
at first when I started talking about my new friends. He didn’t quite get how I
could connect so fast to this group of adoption mommas. He was cautious and
more than a little hesitant when I told him I wanted to meet two of my dearest
new friends in person. And when I
said I wanted to drive 2 hours away, and stay the weekend with them in a hotel,
he was definitely concerned. Rightfully so! But, he knew that these connections were real
and that my heart needed to spend time with these friends… just to be safe
though he walked me into the hotel to make sure my new friends were not some crazy
stalkers who pretended to be someone else online!
Thankfully those girls were exactly who
I thought they were, and we stayed up into the very early hours of the night laughing,
talking, and crying together.
Today they are some of my closest friends, and all three of our
families, including our husbands, have gotten together many times and laughed
about that first meeting. These days the very children my friends and I longed to hold are now toddling around, doing life together. Talk about a blessed sisterhood!
We were so blessed to find an amazing
group of families that had not only gone through international adoption, but who
had all actually adopted from the same country and orphanage. It was like
hitting the adoption and friend gold mine! Instantly we had an extended family
of friends who had walked the same path and who shared a love for the Lord and
adoption. Our families looked similar and our hearts had a common bond. This
bond was solidified through Facebook, emails, text, phone calls, get-togethers
and visits. We drove for hours to
spend time with other families and to be at the airport to welcome them home. We sought the Lord and interceded on our
friends’ behalf as they waited for their court cases to clear and for their
child to come home. These
friendships are real. Very real.
This adoption community has been a
lifeline to me over the past few years. I have thrown myself all in and have
been rewarded with the most amazing friends and support system of other mommas
who truly understand, and who have walked each exciting, wonderful, and hard
moment with me. My adoption
sisters have cried and rejoiced with me and I have done the same with them. Today they are some of my closest
friends.
Whether you are adopting domestically,
internationally, or through the foster care system find others who have gone
before you. Seek out mentor mom friendships and don’t be afraid to invite them
to coffee or send an email and ask the hard questions.
Search out others who are in a similar
place in their adoption journey and be willing to open up your heart and be
real with your thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Learn and grow together as your navigate motherhood and the
transition process together.
Support those that are coming behind
you and who are just starting the process. Seek them out, offer your support,
encouragement, and advice. Be willing to take them by the hand (even if that is
just through a Facebook message) and let them know they can do it. Answer their
questions and be that shoulder to lean on when they need to cry or rejoice!
Find those moms, those true friends in
all stages of the adoption journey that you can celebrate and cry with.
Connection takes effort…. but it is SO
worth it. There are many ways to connect with other adoptive families to create
your own adoption community family:
· Social media has its downfalls, but use it in a positive
way. Use Facebook, blogs, and Instagram to connect with other adoptive moms and
families.
· Get to know these new friends as people, not just another
name on the list or just their adoption story.
· Pray for them. Truly intercede for their family, for their
children, for their adoption process, for their family.
· Exchange numbers and send a text or make a phone call to
encourage them.
· Take a few minutes and write out a real card and actually
use a stamp and envelope to mail it!
It’s such a foreign concept in today’s world, but think about how fun is
it to get real mail rather than just bills!
· Commit to getting your families together for play dates,
reunions, or just fun get-togethers if any way possible. Be willing to sacrifice time and money
to drive or even fly in order to spend time together.
· Attend events such as the Joy in Journey Adoption Retreat in
order to meet, connect, and grow with new and old friends (I can’t wait to see
you there)!
· Be cautious to observe the rules and guidelines that the
adoption community follows based on their norms or rules that the agency has
asked you to observe.
· Be diligent
about speaking truth and not getting involved with gossip or hurtful actions.
· Celebrate and rejoice with your adoption sisterhood, but
also cry and ache with them as well.
Do life with them.
I treasure my kindred spirits, these
beautiful adoption momma friends who, although we may be spread around the
country, our hearts are knit together. They are such a blessing to my family
and I.
Don’t go on the adoption journey alone. Don’t try to go
through motherhood alone.
The Bible says in Proverbs 27:17, “As
iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” We are stronger when we walk this journey together. Adoption
doesn’t have to be a lonely journey. It can be one filled with the most
beautiful and meaningful relationships.
Seek them out.
Sarah and her husband Matt
have been married for 10.5 years and have been blessed with two precious sons,
Levi and Ethan, who were adopted from Taiwan. They recently relocated to
Southern California where Sarah joyfully traded in 9 years of lesson plans and
grading as an elementary school teacher for days filled with cars, choo-choos, Cheerios,
and lots of cuddles as a stay at home mommy to her two very sweet and very
active boys. Sarah has a passion for children, adoption, orphan care, and
adoptive families, and relies on lots of Jesus and lots of strong coffee each
day!
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