Special Needs: Love and Family

  I remember so vividly the days of paper-chasing. Amongst the many piles, one paper stood out… the “special needs” paper requesting that we make a selection of those special needs that were acceptable to us.  My husband and I agonized over that paper. We spent many hours, over several days, tearfully discussing and praying over what we could handle, taking into consideration that we already had three very rambunctious boys. After all, we had always left that in God’s hands. Who were we to make those decisions? How could we ever make them?

 In November 2005, our paper-chase was complete, and our dossier was logged in. After prayerfully considering those special needs, we had made the decision to go the “traditional” route for a “healthy” little girl. We thought it would be the best decision for our family. We felt like we would not be equipped to handle any extra care that might be required for a special needs child. However, what we thought and what we felt were of little importance when God was calling. As the wait for adopting “healthy” children began to increase, we began to feel God tugging at our hearts and moving us in a different direction. January 2006 would bring news of a waiting 16mth old little girl through our agency’s waiting child newsletter. Our hearts were captured from the moment we read the words in that email, and we knew that this was our little girl, our Mia. We were blessed beyond measure to be accepted as this treasure’s forever family.   Yes, God had indeed turned us in the direction of special needs!

                   
God would lead us to adopt 4 special needs children over the next 5 years. Each of our children is distinctly unique and amazingly wonderful! Two of our children were born with varying degrees of cleft lip/palate. Although, CL/CP is not an “easy” special need, it is a very manageable one. Managing this special need requires a devotion of time and energy. It is an ongoing process that requires many years of attention, including speech therapy, surgical procedures and working with a team of doctors for the continued care of the child. We are so thankful for all the resources available to us and to a very talented and devoted CP/CL team.

One of our children, adopted as an older child, came to us with many special needs. Some were diagnosed at the time of adoption, and some have been discovered over time. The needs that we knew about included Hepatitis B, Microtia /Atresia and hearing loss in one ear. Despite the fact that Hepatitis B sounds intimidating, it is a very workable disease within the modern parameters of western medicine. Dealing with this special need requires trips to a hepatologist and keeping the health of the child in focus.  Dealing with Microtia, Atresia and hearing loss are only slightly more of a complication. Since our child was born with a malformed ear, with little to no hearing in that ear, she had learned to listen and hear with only one ear. After consulting with a specialist, the decision was made to surgically form and give her a non-working ear. This constructive surgery required 4 different surgeries spanning over one year. The benefit of this type of surgery was two-fold for our daughter. In addition to giving her self-esteem a boost, a constructed ear would give an avenue for future hearing if necessary. We have since dealt with many other special needs for this child including myoclonic epileptic seizures, facial asymmetry/ palsy, and Reactive Attachment Disorder. Each of these special needs requires medical attention. In addition, RAD requires lots of work and determination.

Our youngest came to us with the diagnosis of malnutrition and developmental delays. The papers we received were a bit vague about a true diagnosis, and this child has been thriving within the loving arms of our family. Depending on the severity of this special need, it requires medical attention, additional nutrition and lots of special care and love.

Yet, none of these special needs (or any others for that matter) prevents children from needing the love of a forever family, nor should it. Really, the only special need these children have is the need for a family! As we go about our everyday lives we often forget that our children have special needs. Sometimes this repression is because we are so busy with the sheer number of our children but in large part because we choose to forget. We have always looked upon their needs as gifts from God…the things that make them who they are to be. In fact, these special needs are so much a part of whom they are that we forget that there are any differences.

Many times I look at my children and think how very blessed I am. I think of all the joy that my children bring to me, and I think “Look what we would have missed if we had not followed God’s direction to these beautiful, loving, joyful children!” We look at each of our children and see the beauty and love of God in each one.

I often pause, thinking about the special treasures that all of my children are to my husband and I, and I am overwhelmed with God’s mercy, grace and love for each of us. I praise him for continuing to love me, and for continuing to grow my love for my children. My husband and I cannot imagine life without each one of our children, whether by birth or through the beauty of adoption.  Special needs adoption is most assuredly a demanding and challenging quest, but Oh my!  The joy is unequivocally in the journey! 

 

My name is Kim Smith.  I am a wife, mother and a self-proclaimed Jesus freak. My husband Brad and I have been happily married for almost twenty years. We are the parents of 7 children... three boys by birth, two girls and two boys through the beauty of adoption. We are enjoying the 10^th year of our homeschooling adventure. It is through the love of Jesus that I am so blessed…blessed beyond my wildest dreams!

You can follow my blog at http://www.fivechilipeppers.blogspot.com, and our adoption story and travel journals can be found at http://www.blessingfromchina.com .

The Purple Form

For us, it didn't take long to learn that adoption was going to be the way our family grew. It really wasn't ever a second choice, but rather the next step. After all, I was adopted & had cousins that were adopted. It wasn't a big deal. We chose international adoption & picked our agency & started on the stacks & stacks of forms.

We both recall filling out the medical check list. In fact, ours was purple. I remember looking over the different medical conditions, being certain that some of them were too scary or detailed for us to consider. After checking "no" to the majority (and by majority, I mean all but 2!) of the conditions, we sent that purple form in & didn't think about it again.

Well, didn't think about it until our social worker called & said, "We have a little boy we'd like you to consider." (Boys were still few & far between from China at that time.) I remember saying, "What's his special need?" Our social worker said he was missing part of his arm & admonished us to NOT look at his referral photos until we'd looked at his medical information. She told us that we wouldn't be able to say 'no' to his smile.

Our doctor, a family friend, didn't see any red flags & even sent the medical information to a specialist. We were ready to move forward. "Yes," I told our social worker. "We want Zi Jian to be our son!" We left for China a few days after Thanksgiving & first held, kissed & loved on our son on Dec. 12...my dad's birthday. Micah wasn't thrilled with the his new mommy, but has since changed his mind.

That year we arrived home with Micah on Christmas Eve. He's the BEST stocking stuffer we've ever received! : ) Micah's missing hand doesn't slow him down from anything. He plays soccer, he does well in school, he loves that he's from China. He's a fabulous big brother & enjoys being with his family.

 

Our sweet, reserved son is perfect. Perfect because he was created by the Lord...perfect with one hand. He can run, jump, climb, play...just like a boy should. So, for us, checking 2 boxes as "yes" on our medical check list was what we needed to do. A heart baby wasn't for us, a visually impaired child would have better opportunities with another family. A 13 mo. old boy from Jiangxi province with a limb difference was the match for us.

Are you considering the special needs on a purple (or any other color!) medical check list? Are you wondering if you won't be matched if you don't check at least 1/2 of those boxes in the "yes" column? Let me tell you...check one, check 15, check none, check them all. Check the one/ones that YOU are comfortable with. And then, sit back & enjoy the journey. Even the days that drag on forever & ever & ever while you wait to see the blessing God places in your arms.

Sheri is a stay-at-home mom who works 3 mornings a week. She is married to David, a fun-loving cabinet designer. They wrote for almost a year before ever talking on the phone or meeting in person & have been married for just over 12 yrs. Micah, days away from being 9, was born in China & came home at 13 mos. Adria, recently 7, was born in Vietnam & joined her family when she was 2 1/2. They live in the mid-west & like rooting for the NE Cornhuskers, Seattle Seahawks & St. Louis Cardinals. You can read about daily life, limb differences, adoption & various other things at their blog www.quiriechronicles.blogspot.com

November Theme: Special Needs Adoption

We are pleased to announce that our blog's featured topic for the month of November is special needs adoptions. We have various guest bloggers lined up to share their real, raw, heart felt stories with us.

They will walk us through their trials, their triumphs, and everything in between. 

Whether or not you are considering adopting a child with a special need you will definitely want to stay tuned...and you may just want to have a kleenex or two on hand.

Resource: Local Event in Southwest Missouri

Christ's Church of Oronogo
Foster & Adoptive Family Support Group
would like to invite you to join us
Sunday November 3, 2013
at 11:00am in the Adult Ministry Center 

TOPIC: "Positive Parenting Skills & Techniques for Children's Behaviors".

Presented by Sherri Bryant, LPC (Licensed Professional Counselor) at

Ozark Center Will's Place.

This group was created to Support, Encourage, and give Valuable Information about raising Foster & Adopted Children.

***Jasper County Foster Parents: This group can qualify for In-Service Hours. The CD-114 will be provided at the class for you to hand in to your licensing worker for review and approval.

If you have children 5th grade or older who will need childcare, please let Maggie Schade, CCO Community Impact Minister, know ASAP.

Christ's Church of Oronogo
22145 Kafir Road,
Oronogo, MO 64855
1(417) 673-3945 x136
www.ccochurch.com

The Importance of Finding The 'Me Too!' Mamas.

Sometimes it feels like my life has been a constant string of hellos and goodbyes.

Between high school, college, internships, mission trips, job changes, cross country moves, adoption, etc. my friends and family are spread across the globe.

Thank goodness that we live in the modern age where it is possible to live on opposite sides of the country (or the world) and still interact and truly connect.

Human connection is vital. We were created by God to be people who need each other.  We need to be known, to be able to relate, and to be understood.

For many people, adoption is not well understood. It is not necessarily the “normal” way of having a family. It might be welcomed, celebrated, and even encouraged, but it is not a shared experience and therefore not always understood by our friends and family.

The Lord has blessed us with amazing friends and family who have been incredibly supportive of our decision to grow our family through international adoption. We are so grateful for them. They have loved our children from the very beginning and have prayed with us, cried with us, and rejoiced with us. While this means so much to my husband and I, we recognize that they have never been through the adoption process and don’t fully understand the trials and joys that we have encountered all the way.

Not fully being understood by friends and family is an isolating feeling, and the adoption journey can be lonely. Infertility is lonely. Paperwork is lonely. Waiting is lonely. The unknown is lonely.

One thing I was not expecting on this adoption journey was the incredible people God would bring into our lives who can truly relate. They are the ones that took our loneliness and isolation and exchanged them for belonging and community. They got us. They got our heart. They got our frustrations and worries. They got our passion and joys. They got “IT.” All of it.

Hearts and souls connect in the, “Me too!” moments.  The bonds that form during a heart wrenching cry as you long to see your child’s face, the dreams of getting “the call,”  your frustrated vent as you navigate through paperwork, the indescribable joy of welcoming your child home, and the ups and downs of the transition and attachment process are priceless.  In order to form those connections though, I’ve learned that you must open yourself up, be real, and seek out those in the adoption community.

When we first began our adoption process we didn’t know anyone who had adopted.  The whole process felt like staring into a giant black hole of confusion and questions. I started reading adoption blogs and websites and before I knew it, began to truly form a community of friends who shared our passion for international adoption.  I had only emailed, texted, and talked on the phone to these new friends, yet they knew me in ways that most could not understand.  They got it. They got me. Their eyes didn’t get a blank stare when I talked about USCIS, home studies, I-600s, and attachment worries. They understood the longing, the aching of my empty arms, and how I could be completely in love with a child that I didn’t know. These new friends understood. They supported me, loved me, and encouraged me. We connected through our shared passions and experiences.

My husband thought I was a little crazy at first when I started talking about my new friends. He didn’t quite get how I could connect so fast to this group of adoption mommas. He was cautious and more than a little hesitant when I told him I wanted to meet two of my dearest new friends in person.  And when I said I wanted to drive 2 hours away, and stay the weekend with them in a hotel, he was definitely concerned.  Rightfully so! But, he knew that these connections were real and that my heart needed to spend time with these friends… just to be safe though he walked me into the hotel to make sure my new friends were not some crazy stalkers who pretended to be someone else online! 

Thankfully those girls were exactly who I thought they were, and we stayed up into the very early hours of the night laughing, talking, and crying together.  Today they are some of my closest friends, and all three of our families, including our husbands, have gotten together many times and laughed about that first meeting. These days the very children my friends and I longed to hold are now toddling around, doing life together. Talk about a blessed sisterhood!

We were so blessed to find an amazing group of families that had not only gone through international adoption, but who had all actually adopted from the same country and orphanage. It was like hitting the adoption and friend gold mine! Instantly we had an extended family of friends who had walked the same path and who shared a love for the Lord and adoption. Our families looked similar and our hearts had a common bond. This bond was solidified through Facebook, emails, text, phone calls, get-togethers and visits.  We drove for hours to spend time with other families and to be at the airport to welcome them home.  We sought the Lord and interceded on our friends’ behalf as they waited for their court cases to clear and for their child to come home. These friendships are real. Very real.

This adoption community has been a lifeline to me over the past few years. I have thrown myself all in and have been rewarded with the most amazing friends and support system of other mommas who truly understand, and who have walked each exciting, wonderful, and hard moment with me.  My adoption sisters have cried and rejoiced with me and I have done the same with them.  Today they are some of my closest friends.

Whether you are adopting domestically, internationally, or through the foster care system find others who have gone before you. Seek out mentor mom friendships and don’t be afraid to invite them to coffee or send an email and ask the hard questions.

Search out others who are in a similar place in their adoption journey and be willing to open up your heart and be real with your thoughts, feelings, and emotions.  Learn and grow together as your navigate motherhood and the transition process together.

Support those that are coming behind you and who are just starting the process. Seek them out, offer your support, encouragement, and advice. Be willing to take them by the hand (even if that is just through a Facebook message) and let them know they can do it. Answer their questions and be that shoulder to lean on when they need to cry or rejoice!

Find those moms, those true friends in all stages of the adoption journey that you can celebrate and cry with.

Connection takes effort…. but it is SO worth it. There are many ways to connect with other adoptive families to create your own adoption community family:

·       Social media has its downfalls, but use it in a positive way. Use Facebook, blogs, and Instagram to connect with other adoptive moms and families.

·       Get to know these new friends as people, not just another name on the list or just their adoption story.

·       Pray for them. Truly intercede for their family, for their children, for their adoption process, for their family.

·       Exchange numbers and send a text or make a phone call to encourage them.

·       Take a few minutes and write out a real card and actually use a stamp and envelope to mail it!  It’s such a foreign concept in today’s world, but think about how fun is it to get real mail rather than just bills!

·       Commit to getting your families together for play dates, reunions, or just fun get-togethers if any way possible.  Be willing to sacrifice time and money to drive or even fly in order to spend time together.

·       Attend events such as the Joy in Journey Adoption Retreat in order to meet, connect, and grow with new and old friends (I can’t wait to see you there)!

·       Be cautious to observe the rules and guidelines that the adoption community follows based on their norms or rules that the agency has asked you to observe.

·        Be diligent about speaking truth and not getting involved with gossip or hurtful actions.

·       Celebrate and rejoice with your adoption sisterhood, but also cry and ache with them as well.  Do life with them.

I treasure my kindred spirits, these beautiful adoption momma friends who, although we may be spread around the country, our hearts are knit together. They are such a blessing to my family and I.

 Don’t go on the adoption journey alone. Don’t try to go through motherhood alone.

The Bible says in Proverbs 27:17, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.”  We are stronger when we walk this journey together. Adoption doesn’t have to be a lonely journey. It can be one filled with the most beautiful and meaningful relationships.

Seek them out.

Sarah and her husband Matt have been married for 10.5 years and have been blessed with two precious sons, Levi and Ethan, who were adopted from Taiwan. They recently relocated to Southern California where Sarah joyfully traded in 9 years of lesson plans and grading as an elementary school teacher for days filled with cars, choo-choos, Cheerios, and lots of cuddles as a stay at home mommy to her two very sweet and very active boys. Sarah has a passion for children, adoption, orphan care, and adoptive families, and relies on lots of Jesus and lots of strong coffee each day!

The Importance of Foster Parent Connections

 

 

Foster parenting is a wonderful way to help children and families in your community. Along with the feelings of accomplishment comes a host of challenges. There are often feelings of defeat and struggles that come with the lack of control over the long term decisions made about the child in your care. Because these challenges are so great, support is important for your emotional well-being and success. Very few people truly understand the life you live as a foster parent and the tremendous challenges it poses for your family.  Because of this, appropriate sources of support are less plentiful than we wish they were. 

Foster parents are required to attend pre-service training, prior to licensure. This is the prime opportunity to make friends and form your own support network. These families will be in the very same situation you are in and will understand your feelings as well as anyone. There are many opportunities for in-service (which is required). Again, take advantage of that situation and collect names, numbers, and email addresses for those you come in contact with. Be selective, not everyone will provide the positive support you are seeking. There are support groups in the local counties, some more active than others. Checking with your licensing staff for specific dates and times will assure you are connected. There are informal types of support that are very helpful as well. This support often comes from friends, family, and the foster care agency staff and online chat groups.

Whatever avenue you choose to obtain the support you need to continue this worthy journey through foster care, always be cognizant of respect and confidentiality for the children and families you serve. 

                                                                                                                     

                                                                                                           

Karla Hurrell and her husband fostered for 23 years. The Hurrell’s, recently welcomed their eleventh child, Rosko Jeremiah. Karla provides contract training for local Children’s Division offices and has just begun her own business, I HEART FAMILIES. She is anxious to support foster and adoptive parents. Her email address is iheartfamilies@yahoo.com .

Connecting with a Domestic Adoptive Mama

I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him.
1 Samuel 1:27

From the time I was a little girl, I wanted to be a mother.   I thought I would marry my prince charming, get pregnant, and live happily ever after.  Doesn’t every girl dream of that fairy tale??  For me, I am living happily ever after, but the road I took was not lined with fairy dust and magic pumpkins. 

After marrying my high school sweetheart and getting my career off the ground, my husband and I decided to have a baby.  After 4 years of trying, many doctor appointments, and a trip to an infertility clinic, we decided that adoption was the route for us.  We had dreamed of having our own biological child, but after struggling for many years, adoption was going to be our path. 

Shawn and I were exploring all of our adoption options, and met with a social worker who guided us in the right direction.  In April of 2005, we were pursuing domestic adoption, as well as international adoption.  We prayed for God to give us a child of our own, and we had faith that He would provide. During this time, we grew closer as a couple and closer to God.  Nine months after finishing our home-study and working hard to get the word out about our desire to adopt, our little angel Makayla was born.  We met her when she was seven hours old and have been her parents since the moment that we laid eyes on her.  I have never felt such a connection with someone as I did the first second I saw her.  I didn’t have nine months to talk to her, but I did pray for her, think about her, and prayed for her birth mother.  The happiest day of my life was the saddest day for someone else, and I knew that. 

Flash forward four years, and I’m starting to feel that we need another child.  Makayla is four, and I am getting baby fever.  My husband, on the other hand, is content and not thrilled with the idea of adopting another baby.  Our first adoption was smooth, almost too good to be true, and he didn’t want to disrupt the life that we had.  I spent many nights praying for God to change his mind, but after 2 years of praying, the answer was still no.  From that point on, I asked God to make me content with the precious gift He had given me, and to pray instead for God’s will to be done.  I would tell my friends, “If God wants us to have another child, HE will make it happen.”

In June 2012, my father passed away suddenly.  My whole world was rocked, but God helped us through every moment of every day.  After that tragedy, my husband’s heart for another child changed, and he wanted to adopt again.  I was floored, excited, nervous, and ready!!!!  In September, 2012 we again started spreading the word about wanting to adopt.  We had many people praying for us, and in November 2012, we were blessed with a baby boy, Eli!  We met Eli when he was two hours old and held him in our arms that night.  Eli had a few medical problems and was in the NICU for one month.  The second we laid eyes on him, we knew God sent him to us, and we are now his forever family.  Both of our children were born in Joplin, and have been with us since birth.  We are so fortunate to complete our family through domestic adoption.  It is possible!  It takes work and time, but there are babies in our area that need a family. 

My road to motherhood may not have been lined with fairy dust and magic pumpkins, but it is lined with two miracles God gave me . . . .Makayla and Eli. 

 

Carrie Mayes is a wife, mother, teacher, friend, God-lover and “wanna-be” crafter!  She has been married to Shawn, her high school sweetheart, for 14 years.  Makayla is 7 and Eli is 11 months.   If you would like more information on how they adopted without an agency, please contact Carrie-
cmayes@wcr7.org